All right, everybody, welcome back. So today, what I wanna do is I wanna talk about support.
A lot of people, when they don't feel supported in life, that is why we're talking about it today. And I think that women ask the wrong question. So a lot of y'all ask me all the time, "How do I get the people in my life to support me better? Corinne, you just don't know. Nobody in my life is supporting me. Nobody's telling me what I—like, helping me with my food. They're bringing in the bullshit. They don't tell me when I've lost weight."
So this is important for us to talk about because this month inside the membership, what are we talking about? Consistency.
How are you ever gonna be consistent? Like, I want all of you to think about this. How the hell can you be consistent in your weight loss if, in order to be consistent, everybody around you has to be on their best behavior 24/7 for you? Nobody can have a bad day. Nobody can eat anything that you like. Everybody has to be on pins and needles trying to anticipate your every mood, your every whim, your every need, and making sure that they jump to attention and give it to you in the moment.
When we sit and we think that we—this is, like, the worst thought that anybody's going to have: "If other people supported me, I could lose weight."
That is so wrong. You want to catch yourself when you're thinking that, and you want to tell yourself, "What am I doing today to support my weight loss?"
Because there's one person in the entire world that we can control, and that is you. As hard as you might and as hard as you want, you cannot control the other people around you. You can ask for things and hope they do it and blah, blah, blah.
But I am telling you right now, you will be able to keep your weight off if your weight doesn't rely on other people doing and saying things in order for you to lose weight. You will be able to maintain like a champ because when you decide, "I'm not going to ask for the help of others. I'm going to get really good at supporting me first," you move into maintenance with you.
It also forces you in that moment to fix all the areas in your life where you are not even supporting yourself yet.
So I always ask, when everybody asks me this, I say, "Before we try to get our husband to do better and get our kids to cooperate and all this shit you would love your mama to say, what are you saying to yourself on a regular basis? How are you actually supporting yourself right now?"
So before we try to get other people to do it, let's see how we're supporting us.
Because the best way to lose weight is to learn how to be your best cheerleader, the person you can rely on, the person who, when everything's going to shit, you have somebody to talk to—you—because you give yourself such good advice.
When I was losing my weight, I always tell y'all, there was a lot of things that I attribute to the ability to be able to lose weight. But the one fundamental that changed everything for me was I got so focused on how I talk to myself.
I realized when I was losing weight that I didn't support me with my own inner conversation. And if I didn't change how I talked to myself, I wasn't even going to be able to know what I really needed support with on the outside. If I didn't change how I talked to myself, I didn't know what I even needed to do for myself, if I actually needed other people's support.
It's so crazy to me when I think back. You know, I used to wish people believed in me more all the time. And then I had, like, a revelation one day that I don't believe in me.
That's not their fault. That's my fault. That's me every single day focusing on what's wrong with me. That's me every single day not trying at all to be nice to myself, to encourage myself. I wasn't even trying to learn how to do it on my own. I was too busy looking for all the places I didn't have it and feeling sorry for myself. And I got into the habit of that.
So it's really, like, when I think about when you are losing weight, if there's one thing that will make all the difference in the world, it is to learn how to support yourself instead of trying to get advice on, "How do I get other people to do it for me?"
And I just want to say one more thing on that because this is really important.
This morning, I came downstairs to grab a protein shake because Chris keeps all the protein shakes downstairs. Naturally, we don't keep any upstairs for some reason.
Well, I did an ass day yesterday, so my ass is, like, sore as a boil today. And as I was heading back up the stairs, I jokingly said, "Eh, these stairs are terrible. It's killing my ass."
And Chris hollered up the stairs, "Well, at least it looks good."
And let me tell you what I thought immediately. What was the first thing I thought? It wasn't like, "Hell yeah, it looks good. You do amazing leg days. This is really starting to change. Aren't you glad you got somebody who says that stuff?"
No.
What went through my head? "My ass didn't look that good. You're just saying that because you're my husband." That is literally what went through my head first. "He has to say that because he's my husband."
If I am someone who is at what I would call the top of her game when it comes to how you talk to yourself, how you keep your weight off, all the things, I actually have somebody that, if I went in there—it is not Chris's love language to be all like, "I love you and let me count the ways of how great you are." He never says that stuff. I just know he does believe in me. I don't have to hear him say it.
But let's just pretend for a second that I had him saying all of that. There's so much in me that probably wouldn't believe it. And that is a signal for me to work on my belief, not to say, "All right, I know you're saying it 10 times a day. Now I'd like for you to say it 20. And for some reason, it's not working."
So I just think it's really important for all of you.
Sometimes y'all tell me, "I wish other people in my life would support me." They actually are, just not maybe in the ways that you would traditionally call it support. So we're going to talk about that in a minute.
So let's think about there are two kinds of support that we typically ask for. So when a lot of people say, "Nobody supports me," we're talking about two different things.
So the first type of support is for, like, the weight loss itself.
You want somebody to notice you're losing weight. You start freaking out when nobody says a word. You want everybody to eat differently so that it's easier on you.
"If that son of a bitch would just quit bringing the chips in the house, I'd be able to lose weight."
No, you wouldn't. You'd end up at some point saying, "Why don't you go get chips? I see you don't eat chips no more. I might like to have some chips."
Do not fall into that snake oil trap.
And a lot of times you want somebody to say, "Hey, you're doing so good." You want people to acknowledge you.
This also happens at work. We want our bosses to acknowledge us. I tell y'all all the time, as a boss, I don't think it's my job to tell you you're doing a good job. I think that's your job. My job is to pay you, to give you work. My job is to teach you the things that I need you to do to best support all of the No BS women.
And my team knows that. They know that if they want to feel really good about their job, it's on them to feel really good about their job.
Because if you're insecure, I could walk right up to you right now—and I've got team members like this who really struggle with their self-esteem, and they work on it—I could walk up to them right now and tell them they're doing an amazing job.
You know what they would say on the inside? "She's just saying that. I wonder how long this will last. Well, I hope I don't screw the next thing up."
This is why we don't want to rely on other people. We have to decide, "I'm the one that needs to support me the most."
Now, the second one is what I call the bigger version of support that we all want. And that is, you actually don't know how to talk to yourself in a way that supports you, so you go looking for it outside of you.
And you're relying on other people to behave a certain way and to say certain things in order for you to have a good day. So a lot of you really need to learn how to support yourself internally first.
Because when you learn how to support yourself internally, I think what ends up happening is—I just want y'all to imagine, let's say that your husband or your partner always keeps cookies in the house and you tend to eat them, but you tend to eat them only on the days when you're really stressed or you're really angry.
Well, let's say that we make a huge, "Fuck you. No more cookies. I can't lose weight, motherfucker, unless you get it out of the house."
And they take all the cookies out of the house.
The only thing you've done is removed the one way that you know how to not yell at people when you're angry and the one thing that calms you down when you're stressed.
You didn't fix shit. You've actually made yourself a life that's harder.
That is why, if we learn how to talk to ourselves and to be our own support system, it fixes the external supports we look for.
Because when you get angry, if you have a way to calm yourself down and, 20 minutes later, come back and say the things that you feel like you need to say, you don't need the cookies. The cookies could be sitting there and you'd be fine.
That is why we got to learn how to, like, support ourselves and figure out all the ways that we're currently not supporting ourselves so that we're not trying to set our life up externally in a way that is never going to work.
So one of the people that wrote in when I asked y'all about, like, "Tell me the things that you want to know in this podcast," somebody wrote in and said, "I don't really know what my role in a relationship is if I'm not taking care of or being of service to the other person."
Now, this is really common. This is why I say we got to watch how we talk to ourselves because the problem isn't that if we decide that we are going to now turn our attention to ourselves some, it is not that we don't know what our role is anymore if we are not taking care of everybody else.
And I just want to say this: To support yourself doesn't mean everybody else has to suffer. We're going to talk about that in a minute.
But I just want to plant the seed in your head that I want you to see where very often women get into trouble with this. It's either, "I do for everybody," or, "I only take care of me and I fuck everybody else."
Y'all, there's like 20 more lanes in the middle that we could be doing. You could just be removing one thing at a time. It is not like what all of you think.
So a lot of you, when you think, "Well, if I'm not taking care of everybody, who the fuck am I?" You do know who you are.
In your mind, you're a bitch. In your mind, you're selfish. In your mind, you should feel guilty for taking time for yourself. This is why we don't do it.
If your only definition is, "When I don't do for others, I must be a bitch and selfish," who's signing up for that?
Outside of Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls, she would sign up. She'd be like, "I would love to be a bitch. I'm all about being some selfish."
But outside of that, most of us are not going to want to do that.
So we have to redefine it. We cannot have a black-and-white definition of who we are if we are going to now start learning to support ourselves.
It's not me or you. It's, "How do I do this for all of us? How about we put all of us on the table and figure out where there's wiggle room?"
So that's why I want to make sure that we get into this today, because the middle lane is where peace and compassion and understanding and your own feeling deserving and stuff comes from.
So there are four reasons that people around you aren't doing what you think they should be doing, okay?
And I want you to just, like, if you're in the chat, I want you to tell me if you think any of these or whatever.
Number one, a lot of the people around you that you would love to support you in a certain way—like, in your mind, like, you have a working definition of, "This is what support from others looks and sounds like"—and very often, you didn't marry that person. That is not your parent. That's not how your sister is. And your bestie sucks at it.
The first one is, it's not their love language. So the way you want it, they suck at it.
So maybe your partner shows you love by putting gas in your car and fixing the garage door, but you want your partner to tell you how capable you are and that you're doing great all the time.
That's called two different languages, and you've got to learn how to translate their language.
That'd be like getting pissed that you got dropped into the middle of China and everybody's speaking Chinese and you're speaking English, and you're just like, "I'm just so pissed. I really want them to talk to me in English."
Other people in your life very often are fluent in another way of communicating their love, and you've got to get good at reading that. You've got to get good at that.
That is what has saved our marriage. I am really good at reading what Chris does and does not do as signs he loves me, as signs that this has nothing to do with whether or not he loves me.
Like I tell y'all all the time, he works. He gets up in the morning, usually before me these days. So he gets up somewhere around 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning, and he scuttlebutts all the way down into the basement.
If I don't come down here, I will not see that juicy ass until, like, five o'clock in the afternoon.
Then half the time when he comes upstairs, he doesn't even look me in the eye. He goes straight into the bathroom, takes a shower, does all his things. Like, he's just not a talkie.
It would be really easy for me to think, "See, we just don't connect. See, I don't think he loves me."
I don't make that mean he doesn't love me. I've learned to speak Chris's language. All I make it mean is Chris needs a lot of alone time. Otherwise, he gets overwhelmed.
And if Chris doesn't have enough alone time, we're gonna be like this because he isn't gonna be able to take it. That's all I make it mean.
Is it true? Hell if I know.
Do I feel good about it? Absolutely.
Otherwise, I could sit upstairs for 12 hours a day thinking about how much my man doesn't love me.
Which one do you think is gonna help me maintain my weight? And which one do you think I'd be eating bullshit all day long every time I walk by my kitchen?
Now, the second way that people aren't loving you the way you would love them to, supporting you the way you would like, is you trained their asses to be like this.
For 20 years, you've been doing every single thing, wiping butts, not expecting shit out of people, seething underneath, resenting half of it, but you ain't ever really complaining.
I mean, maybe every blue moon you blow your top, but basically, you have trained everybody in your house that this is just what you do. This is, like, your job.
Well, when you're just doing your job, nobody should be thanking you for it. Why would they?
It reminds me of an old Chris Rock special. He told a joke where he's like, you know, this guy's over going like, "I ain't never been to jail. I pay my child support."
And Chris Rock's like, "What do you want, a cookie? We ain't supposed to go to jail. We ain't supposed to not pay our child support."
And he wants a crown?
That is like us. We train everybody around us for years and years and years that we're just going to do all this stuff, and then we sit there and we call them ungrateful and they never thank us.
When you trained them, you taught them this. Why would they?
And the third one, they don't even know to say shit to you because you don't ever ask. You just always do things, and you never say anything.
You want them to notice. You want them to just know how great you are.
You're expecting things from people who don't really have a clue what you need because you're rarely ever telling them.
So a lot of times you want some help, but you don't ask, and you'll be a selfish bitch, but you think they should just know. They should just help. They saw you struggling to carry all the groceries in.
But when you didn't say anything, you get mad. Like, when you don't say anything, you get mad that they don't just, I don't know, have telepathic skills.
Again, you got to go back to number one. Some of these people, it doesn't register for them when you need help. You actually have to speak up and tell them.
But you'll bitch about it if you're resenting that they don't just know shit.
I'm going to tell everybody right now, if you want to level up your life by 50% right now and you live with other people, tell people what you need over and over and over again.
Over and over again.
If I want something for my birthday or for Christmas, guess what I got to do? I got to tell Chris, "I'm going to want presents this year."
And then I'm gonna send him a list and say, like, "These are the things I would like."
If I left it up to Chris, number one, he'd forget. Number two, the shit he would buy me—I have gotten those gifts, and I'm always grateful that he thinks of me—but my husband's a nerd, and the things he buys me, like, he'll buy me, like, a set of encyclopedias because I like to ask questions.
Shit like that.
So if you wanna level up your life, just start talking about the things that you want in a nice way. Drop hints. Say it over and over again.
Don't be frustrated that you have to tell people what you want and need because you could sit there and just be angry that nobody's giving you anything that you want and need.
At least give yourself a shot at getting it.
And then the last one is you just assume that the things that you think everybody should do and whatnot is common knowledge.
Common sense is not common. Nobody knows.
I always assume—I've said this a thousand times—I assume everybody is a complete dumbass. Every single person in the world is a dumbass walking around.
I don't think people should just know things because the second I start thinking someone should just know, I'm upset. I don't like being upset.
You know what I like? Not assuming anybody knows shit and just being a lot more clear about my needs and my wants.
So we are not going to hand off the job of our self-esteem anymore, ladies. No more.
We're not going to be waiting on somebody to tell you that you're good enough. We are going to practice telling ourselves every day, "I'm good enough. Here's why. Here's the things I see that I'm doing that shows I am good enough. I am worthy." All the things.
Because supporting yourself is you being the one who says it, especially on the days that you don't believe it.
So let's say that you're having a bad day when it comes to talking to yourself, and you go to work.
The reason why we do not want to be relying on other people to be the butt plug of our self-esteem is because you live with you all day.
So let's say that you're just like, "If just my husband—oh my God—he'd just talk to me different. He'd just say these things. If he would just, like, believe in me more and tell me, you know, I'm doing so good, my world would be perfect."
Does he go to work with you? No.
Is he in your head while you're sleeping? Uh-uh.
You might spend two or three hours a day with him. Let's pretend those two or three hours, he pumped your ass full of everything you wanted. All the sprinkles, all the glitter, and all the rainbows.
You are with you the other 21 hours of the day with your internal voice talking shit.
Because what he says or she says to you ain't going to be a drop in the bucket compared to the 23 hours of shit you say to you.
So if you're at work and you're having shitty thoughts about you, your husband can't just, like, fly in like a monkey from The Wizard of Oz and be like, "I'm here. I'm here to tell you what you need to hear."
This is why relying on our partners to tell us that we're capable and that we're good enough and that we're beautiful and that we're loved sucks, because they're not with us near enough like our own brain is with us.
So your job is to do the job no one else can do. Your internal thoughts and feelings about you have to get rewired by you. They cannot get rewired by anybody else.
Another thing that we're not going to outsource anymore.
So the first one, we're not going to outsource—we're not going to turn our self-esteem over to other people to fix.
We're also not going to turn our food decisions over to other people to fix.
And supporting yourself in your food decisions is a lot simpler than you give it credit for.
First, you don't need everybody to get the junk out of your house, No BS women.
The only thing you need is that every time you are eating that stuff and you didn't plan it, or you're not hungry, or you're doing it past enough, the only thing you need is Ask Coaches.
You have to go to the coaches and talk about, in that moment, why is that food so hard for you to say no to? In that moment, what was going on where that food was doing a job that you couldn't internally do yourself?
Because we want to get to the root cause of that.
Very often, these foods you want removed from your house are really hard to say no to because you're spending too much time in your head beating yourself up, not encouraging yourself, reading into things that aren't there, reading between the lines, catastrophizing, what-if-ing, worrying, imagining shit that's not even happening.
That's why that food's hard to say no to.
It ain't because it's a Ding Dong. It ain't because it's a cookie. It's not because you're addicted to sugar.
It's you're getting triggered, and you're not working on those things.
Stop working on the food and work on your mind.
And then the next thing we're not gonna outsource is we ain't gonna outsource our belief that we can lose weight.
Stop waiting on somebody else to be confident in you first.
What you really wanna work on is, what are all the things I'm saying to myself each day that erodes my own confidence, that makes me not believe in myself?
And here's a surefire question you can use in this.
A lot of people are like, "Well, what should I tell myself? I wouldn't even know how to talk to myself."
Yeah, you do.
Get you a piece of paper out. A nice shiny white one.
At the top, write, "This is the shit I wish people would say to me, because then I think I would believe in myself, and then I think I would be confident."
You make a list of what you sit around wanting other people to say, and that's your homework.
Because that is the stuff you need to be telling yourself.
You don't want somebody else doing it for you. You really want you to learn how to actually think and believe those things.
Because when you do, you don't need anybody else to do it.
You've got the most important person in the world believing in you now. You're the only one that needs to.
And then the last thing that we ain't gonna outsource is we are not gonna wait on anybody in the entire world to notice our weight loss.
Nobody needs to tell us we're doing a good job. Nobody needs to tell us that we're losing weight. Nobody needs to tell us we're doing a good job at work. Nobody needs to say thank you for all the shit we do around the house.
Because when you want other people to thank you, guess what you're not doing?
You're not noticing yourself.
I want you to stop waiting on other people to do the acknowledgment until you go first.
Always.
I want you to start complimenting yourself. I want you to notice your progress. I want you to notice how good you're doing.
I want you to notice every fucking thing you wish other people would thank you for, and I want you to thank you first.
Thank you for showing up. Thank you for the things you do.
Because that's not happening.
Because the only way that you're getting thanked is with ice cream.
Y'all know that I have been coaching one-on-one in a special little Ask Coaches area, just me and all the people that signed up for camp.
I'm answering over 50 questions every single day. At least. Some days y'all are really chatty. It's a lot more.
But I've gotten a lot of insight into this one particular problem.
So many of you have said, "I eat at night," or, "I eat at X time because nobody notices me. Nobody's thanking me. And I deserve something for me."
You absolutely do.
You deserve your own praise. You deserve to not be so hard on yourself. You deserve a lot of things, but that ice cream ain't it.
And when you stop looking outside of you, it's so much easier to attack the real problem, which is what you aren't doing for you right now.
So one woman wrote in—I don't remember who it was—but she said, "What does being worthy even mean? Why am I even worthy? How do I even show myself that I'm worthy?"
And the only way you can prove to yourself that you're worthy is to do two things.
One, every single day, you got to write down the reasons why you're worthy.
I have somebody that I'm working with in CRID 101 right now who's doing this every day.
These things can be big. They can be small. They can feel like lies. I don't give a shit.
And for some of you who truly don't believe you're worthy, you're going to write stuff down that's going to feel like, "This doesn't count. This isn't good enough. I don't know if this is right. This feels like a lie. I feel like I'm just blowing smoke up my ass."
It is going to feel that way because you ain't used to it.
Nothing new is comfortable when you first start it. It should make you uncomfortable, and that's what we want.
What I don't want you to do is to stop thinking about why you're worthy because it feels so uncomfortable and like a lie, and just go back to feeling unworthy.
If we're going to feel like ass, at least feel like ass in a way that gets you someplace.
So I promise you, in the beginning, you won't believe 100% anything you put on that list. You probably won't believe hardly at all.
You just have to think it's possible that that could be a reason why you're worthy.
And let me tell you, even if there's a little doubt there—"I doubt this is true. I doubt this is right."—that's okay.
Because here's the funny thing about doubt.
Whenever you feel doubt, it is a surefire signal that there's belief somewhere.
Doubt can't live or exist without belief somewhere saying, "I'm thinking this," and doubt comes rushing in.
It's not that you don't believe. It's that you've been misinterpreting doubt the entire time.
Because doubt only shows up when a part of you thinks, "Maybe this is true. Maybe this is possible."
The second thing you can do is you do the things you know somebody else would say are worthy.
So make a list of, "If I was, like, doing these things, it means I care about myself. It means that I am worthy."
So you make a list of things and you start doing them, even though you don't think you're worthy of them.
Maybe you think that, like, a worthy person gets to take one evening off every week and not do anything. You get to leave the dishes. You get to leave everything undone. And a worthy person gets to even turn everything over to their partner, just for starters, one time a week.
Now, part of you thinks it's selfish, and part of you thinks it's guilty, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But in your mind, you know that that might be something that other people would see as normal.
"That's how a queen should be treated."
Your brain needs to see these things happening in real time, even if it doesn't feel good at first, so that your brain can start changing its opinion.
Because the brain likes to scan what's happening in the world to figure out what it's going to believe, and it needs to see you operating in the world in a new way so that it can be like, "Huh, I'm noticing she's acting different. So now I think I'm gonna change what I believe about her."
So very often, you have to go first by taking action before your brain ever catches on and believes it.
This is you helping your brain catch on.
So I wanna stop and I wanna take a couple of questions, and then I wanna talk about a couple of other little things, and then we'll get out of here.
Let's see what y'all are asking.
"How do you deal when talking with family about your journey? They tell me I am remembering wrong. Example: I've said since day one my goal was 125. My daughter constantly says I never said that and that my goal was always 140. That is one example of her saying I remember wrong on lots of stuff. I totally roll my eyes and disregard her statement and go on with life. I know what the goal has always been."
I think you're doing it right.
It's your goal. And who even cares if you're remembering it wrong? I don't think you are, but she does.
Just let her be wrong.
It probably makes her happy to say those things. She probably feels very satisfied when she's saying that stuff.
Good.
This is one of those times where we don't want to micromanage. There's no upside to it.
There's no upside to arguing with her. There's no upside to whatever because it's your goal, and you get to believe whatever the fuck you want.
"My daughter is brutally honest. Last week, I was filling out my journal and she asked, 'What's the point?'"
You should hear the stuff Logan tells me.
The other day, he told me about how he was reading a book about something about trauma wounds from your parents and how to get over them. I don't know, some bullshit like that.
He's just telling me about—he was, like, making a list of all the things he thought that me and his daddy might have done, just over breakfast.
I'm like, "Okay, let's talk."
"So I know she was criticizing my slow weight loss, having only lost 25 pounds in a year. She also asks me every week, 'How much have you lost?' How do I deal with that without giving into binge mode?"
Well, it's what you're making it mean.
You're making it mean she's criticizing you. You're making it mean anything other than she asks questions.
My daughter asks questions.
Like, if you literally were just like, "Okay, let me tell you these things over and over again."
But in your mind, it's like, "The only reason why she could be asking these questions is because something's wrong with me. She's criticizing me, and I'm losing weight too slow."
That's your thoughts. That's not hers.
Unless she said them out loud and said, "Hey, Mom, I want to ask you about your journaling. I don't understand why you bother because you lose weight so slow because you've only done this," and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
We have to be really careful about supporting ourselves in these moments.
Part of supporting yourself is knowing when you are reading into things, when you are making things something that they're not.
I tell y'all all the time, go face value on what you're hearing. Do not read between the lines. Do not self-interpret.
And when your brain does that, you have to remind yourself, "I did not hear these words."
If I didn't hear these words, that's for me to journal on.
I must be thinking I'm losing it too slow.
So let me ask myself, "If I'd like to speed up, what would I change? If I don't want to speed up, then why am I criticizing 25 pounds instead of celebrating it?"
That's all we got to do.
All right, so let's talk about a lot of times y'all think that when you are going to support yourself, it's like, "Well, if I do that, Corinne, I'm being selfish."
So here's what I want you to do if selfish is your bullshit.
I want you to figure out what it is you're gonna do for your weight loss that's actually truly selfish.
I want you to make a list of, "Here are the things I'm fixing to do to lose weight that mean I'm a selfish-ass bitch, and here are the people in my life that directly get harmed and how they get harmed when I do these things."
Like, you really need to lay this out in front of yourself because a lot of women just want to go for a simple, like, walk each day, 20, 30 minutes.
And often that walk can only happen after work when your kids are home.
And then she'll say, "I'm just so selfish for leaving them. I mean, I've been gone all day."
And I always ask people like this, "Can you show me one single child who grew up, wrote a book, and said, 'My life turned out to be a disaster because my mother took a 20-minute walk every day after work'?"
No.
Very often you don't realize this is not selfishness. You just feel selfish.
You're used to talking about it that way. You've actually never even questioned it.
You've never even looked to see, like, "Oh God, nobody actually is getting harmed. There's actually nothing bad happening."
And then even if you do that list, you say, "Here are all the things I'm going to start doing, and here's all the people that will get harmed, and here's exactly how their harm will appear."
Sometimes it's not even true harm.
You'll write something down and be like, "Well, that's not even that bad. They should be able to do that."
I had a woman one time who felt very selfish because she wasn't going to wash her daughter's panties. Her daughter was, like, 22.
I don't know if you're still here as a member.
But we talked about how she was like, "Well, if I don't wash them, she's going to have dirty panties."
And I said, "But you hate doing it. You resent it. And how is she ever going to get responsible for clean panties if you're always doing it?"
And I said, "What is the harm in you not doing it?"
"Well, she'd have to wear dirty panties."
And I said, "Yeah, she would. But what is the harm?"
She said, "Well, I would be embarrassed."
I said, "But she might not be."
You're washing panties so that you don't feel selfish and guilty and embarrassed.
And then that's when she was like, "Oh, I don't really have anything to be embarrassed about. And also, she's never going to learn to take care of herself if I don't pull back at times and just let her figure it out."
Within two weeks, her daughter was washing panties.
So you just have to think it through because a lot of times you're not thinking things through. You're just listening to your bullshit and never questioning it.
So somebody had asked, "When I put myself first, I am selfish. 'Why can you not do for me?' is the response I get."
Well, sometimes the people in your house, they're going to be very annoyed when you stop doing some things in order to make some time for you.
But that doesn't mean you're selfish.
When they're annoyed, it means they're getting used to you doing something new. You've changed the game.
What do you expect them to be like? "Oh my God, I've been waiting all my life for you to start taking care of you instead of me. I was, like, just watching my watch the entire time."
No.
They're used to you doing everything. And when you stop doing a few things, of course they're going to question it. They might whine about it. They're going to get annoyed.
It would be just like if the people in your life who do things for you, if they decided to dead stop them, you'd probably get annoyed too.
And then you would get over it, and you'd get used to the new normal.
And if somebody says, "Why can't you do it for me?" just tell them. Here's why. Be nice about it.
"I'm not going to do it for you because I need to do this thing instead."
Nobody has to be a bitch. Nobody has to be a bitch.
Just remember, no human likes it when things change.
So don't expect everybody around you to immediately like all of your changes. Expect them to get used to it eventually.
Because it's not like you're going to start doing a couple things for yourself and everybody's going to go, "Oh my God, I'm so glad you're doing this."
No. That's never going to happen.
That is not how the human brain works.
The human brain is supposed to watch for anomalies, something out of order, question it, and think it's bad.
That's the way the brain works. It thinks anything out of the norm must be bad.
Just like our person who is like, "My daughter says, 'Why bother?'"
My brain is like, "Oh my God, I thought she was going to be encouraging. She's not. So she must mean 5,000 awful things."
That is how our brains work.
Your people in your life, their brains work exactly like yours.
A lot of times when we want to start losing weight, what is one of the biggest things that we say?
We swear we ain't got time to do it. We swear that losing weight is going to take a lot of time.
And you've got to question this.
How much time today is it actually going to take for you to lose some weight?
There are only four fucking things I teach you to do.
Am I hungry? Have I had enough?
That don't take no time.
In fact, if you're only eating when you're hungry, you save time. If you stop at enough, you save time.
I want you to use your wellness tracker, and that takes you about two minutes a day. You just answer the questions.
And you got to drink your water, and sleep is the one that takes your time—seven to nine hours a night—but you got to sleep anyway.
And then guess what we're doing in September?
The 1st of October, y'all are going to get—September is when I'm finalizing everything—but the 1st of October, you're getting the brand-new No BS Eating: Weight Loss Made Simple program.
I'm redoing everything, and basic number four is changing.
Basic number four is called "Meet Your Fucking Emotional Needs."
Because for some reason, you bitches do not think that meeting your emotional needs is part of the basics.
Well, it is now.
Because you can't be doing all the things if you ain't working on your emotional eating.
So that means you figure out the things you actually need emotionally in life, and you start giving them to yourself.
But first, you gotta identify them.
And that might take two or three minutes a day talking to one of the coaches in Ask Coaches.
So when we talk about losing weight, so many of us feel guilty and selfish because we think it's gonna take all this time away from our family.
And I'm telling you, it takes about 10 minutes a fucking day.
If you wanna listen to videos and me rant and all that stuff, that's called bonus. That's like, "I am treating myself," but you don't need it.
Most of your weight loss happens in your damn mind, where you're changing how you're thinking about yourself and about things.
You're not really doing a lot.
Now, if you wanna be somebody who food preps and you wanna work out, then you get to do it.
But do not sit there and snow yourself saying that that's how you're gonna lose weight.
Nobody loses weight with food prep and working out.
Too many women start with the food prep and the exercise, and what do they do? They don't lose much weight.
Because if they're not changing how they talk to themselves, they end up donking off. They end up quitting.
Every little thing that goes wrong, they can't handle it because they don't know how to talk to themselves through it.
They don't work on their emotional needs.
So they're ripping all the food away from themselves and keeping all the stress, anxiety, overwhelm, worry, boredom, and grief.
We got to do the simple things.
You can't go to the time-consuming hard shit and then wonder why you flame out and feel awful.
So when you learn how to support yourself emotionally and mentally, you get to start seeing how much support you're actually going to need in your life.
You have a lot easier time asking for help because now you don't feel selfish when you talk better to yourself. You don't feel bad.
And a lot of things you thought you needed, you don't even need anymore.
You realize you never needed that. You were trying to rely on that because you weren't doing the work on the inside you needed to be doing for yourself.
So we figure out what we truly need, and then you have the language and the courage and the confidence to ask for the things that you want.
All right.
All I want you to do this week is real simple.
I want you paying attention to how you're talking to yourself.
Where are you expecting people to say and do things that you're not saying and doing for yourself yet?
Where are you wanting people to read your mind instead of just saying what you need?
Where do you have expectations of people to support you who suck at it because it's not their love language?
This week is a lot of paying attention, and it's really hard to fix things until you know what the real problems are.
And so, for all of my No BS women, use Ask Coaches. That's what it's there for.
This stuff is not always easy to figure out.
You're going to have to question your selfishness, your feelings of guilt.
You're going to have to question whether or not—just like when people ask, like, "So-and-so says this, and I'm making it mean this."
Let us help you work through that.
It is a lot easier to let us experts know what's going on, help you through it, and then, at the end of the day, your weight loss gets so much easier.
All right, everybody, y'all have a good week, and I'll see you next time.
