All right, welcome back. So today I have a very special interview that I did with Susan Bratton, and she is a sex expert. The reason why I'm bringing her on the podcast today is because so many of my No BS women end up overeating because their sex lives have changed.
Either something's going on with their partner and the sex life had to change, and they take it personally, or they feel like there's just something missing in the connection department of their marriage. And then sometimes it's them. Something's changed with them. So whether that's menopause, perimenopause, or a change in body weight, I wanted to bring her in to have a very honest conversation about intimacy, all the different forms, and things that women need to be thinking about as we are moving into different phases of life.
Susan does a great job of talking about all the things that I think are not being talked about near enough in the intimacy department. So I hope you enjoy today. I hope it helps you. And all of the links to everything she mentions, we will have in the show notes of the podcast. Enjoy.
All right. Welcome back, everybody. So today we're taking a little departure from what we normally talk about. You know how I'm all about the emotional eating and all that kind of stuff. I really wanted to bring in Susan Bratton today because one of the—in fact, I was just talking to my clients, and I told them that I was going to be interviewing a sex expert. And the overwhelming response in the chat was, "This is a topic that women do not get to hear near enough about."
And that is why I wanted to bring her on today, because I saw her on stage a couple of years ago, and I was like, "Oh my gosh, she's saying, like, all the things that we need to be talking about." So welcome, Susan. Go ahead and introduce yourself so everybody kind of knows a little bit about you, and then we'll kind of dig into some of the questions my people had.
Yeah, fantastic. Corinne told me a little bit about some of the questions that she got out of her group this morning, and I think they are, for sure, the top three most common questions that I get. And there are positive solutions to all of them, which is great. So I'm really here in service to your audience.
Body image issues, weight loss journeys, aging, wanting to be healthy, feeling good in our own skin, feeling desire—these are all very, very, very fundamental discussions and topics to our overall happiness and well-being.
And when they're not going well, when our sex life is not going well, we feel personally responsible. We feel bad. We feel wrong. We have a lot of self-fear and loathing and all kinds of things. And when it's going right, oh my gosh, we feel so solid. We're full of vitality. We love ourselves in spite of our flaws. They become less problematic for us.
We feel well-loved. We feel cared about. We feel important. We feel powerful. We feel passionate. We feel creative. Our sexuality is such an important part of our whole life that it's equal to nutrition, movement, and sleep for health, happiness, and longevity.
But like you said, Corinne, nobody ever talks about it. How I ended up here today with Corinne is that I'm a publisher. This year will be my 20th year publishing passionate lovemaking techniques, bedroom communication skills, and intimate wellness information—what I like to call regenerative intimacy—because I feel like that's a double entendre where you can regenerate your systems: your loss of lubrication, loss of sensation, erectile dysfunction, all the things that go on with our physical bodies. You can reverse all of that.
And when you do that and you regenerate your intimate connection with yourself or your partner, or both, then you are on that road to living a longer, healthier, happier life.
I've written—I'm working on my 35th book, and I've published 10 books and programs of my mentors whose lineages I carry on. I'm an expert in human orgasmic potential and essentially the recipes that all bodies can use to have over 20 kinds of orgasms.
I'm an orgasmic champion because you can have quote-unquote sex without having an orgasm, but I do not recommend it because they're easy to learn how if you just understand what you're going for. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. Your body works like the rest of ours. It didn't get the inputs it needed.
So the orgasms are the key to releasing all of the really healthy things, everything from natural killer cells to having a vascular event and hormone and neurotransmitter cascades and oxytocin production and nervous system rebooting and flexibility and strength and stamina and happiness and all that stuff, lowering your stress—all those things. You can't get those from sex without orgasms. You can get little bits of some of it, but you can't get it.
And so I'm really very straightforward in teaching people how your body is perfect exactly how it is right in this moment. All you need to do is allow the pleasure to blossom out of you, right?
What gets in our way is the cultural repression, our limited mindset, our fear from lack of education because sex is censored, suppressed, shadow-banned, not taught. And by sex, I mean not procreation. I mean lovemaking, passionate, heart-centered lovemaking.
All we see is porn and porn light, which is movies, which is all about the man, not what the woman wants. And so we get scared because we don't know what we're doing. And then we don't have a good time. And then we think there's something wrong with us.
"Oh, I have a low libido." You likely don't actually, unless you're ill, because libido is the other side of your health.
And so that's who I am. I've been writing lovemaking techniques and communication skills and intimate wellness for two decades, answering millions of people's questions. I'm like the Dear Abby of sex.
And yeah, I'm working on my fifth book, which doesn't have a title yet, but it's about yoni massage. And that's one of the things that I actually wanted to talk to you about today, Corinne, because I think people are starting to hear about it.
It's been a trend on my top 10 sex trends, January annual thing that I've been doing for years. And it started out as women being like, "What's yoni massage?" to, "My wife wants a yoni massage. What's a yoni massage? Tell me how to do yoni massage. I need yoni massage," to, "Oh, we're having a yoni massage practice, and we have some questions."
And so I think that's a trend. I posted 48 videos on my YouTube channel last month. Girl, I'm busy. The number one one was on yoni massage. So it's a very interesting thing that fixes a lot of the problems that we encounter in our sexuality.
And I'll end by saying, so you can get a word in edgewise, that almost 99.9% of questions that people ask me are the ones that pretty much everybody asks me. There's hardly ever a surprise in there. There might be, like, a complex medical issue or something. There's hardly anything that ever surprises me. It's mostly things people just were never taught and don't understand that make them feel like something's wrong with them.
I agree. You know, I run, like, a weight loss company, but one of the things that we do in there is we talk about all the reasons why we're eating that lead to our weight loss. So I don't really teach, like, the macros and stuff. I'm always trying to figure out what's going on emotionally.
And one of the big topics—I literally, somebody posted today and said, "When my husband doesn't want sex." And right now he, like, he can't get it up. He's on medications. It's like between medications, and I think she said maybe it was age, but she definitely has a medication problem. Viagra is not working. She's taking it personally, and she wanted help with that.
And so, like, let's start there, because I do think that that's kind of, for my audience, one of the big blockers for them, is they take their sex life almost like it's my responsibility. It's, you know, if there's problems, it has to be me. It could never be anything else.
Well, women think that. Men don't. Men think it's their wives.
Yeah. Everybody thinks it's us, Corinne.
Talk to me about that. What do you say to someone who, like, just—like, first, just their partner physically can't? What do you say to someone who's taking it personally?
Yeah. So let's tease both those things out because I do want to get to the, like, how do you get that fixed? Because you can.
So it's really hard to think that your husband's physical inabilities mean that he doesn't desire you. But what happens is that most couples—here's the generalized thinking, okay? The generalized thinking is that sex means intercourse. So if we can't have intercourse because I can't achieve a firm erection, then we don't have sex.
And the couple stops touching each other. The romance goes out. There's no affection. There's not other kinds of lovemaking. There's no oral pleasuring. Like, they could be having orgasms all day long with his soft penis and her soft yoni.
And yoni, Y-O-N-I—I want to define that because I've said it a few times now. I jokingly call that my favorite four-letter word, Y-O-N-I, because it's a tantric lovemaking word for slow, heart-connected, very present, pleasurable, sensual, erotic sex.
It's the word for the female genital system. If I say vagina, that's just the little pocket inside. If I say vulva, that's just the outer lips and mons and what little part of the clitoris you can see if you lift the hood up, that kind of thing. But the yoni is every part of our genital anatomy, including it being a spiritual part of our life, as well as the seat of our power and confidence.
So it's very packed with meaning. It's a very rich word. And I like it because it's not a medical word or a slang word. And it's a word that I like. And it's not euphemistic like "flower," like we can't say what it is. That's a real word.
And it actually means in Sanskrit, the portal—the portal to power and pleasure, the portal to connection, the portal to God, if you will. And I know a lot of people get a little worried when I start talking about sex and God, but you can achieve connection to all things, all consciousness, through states of ecstatic bliss, which include orgasm.
And the same state of mind that's in prayer and meditation is also the same mind state, the theta brainwave state, which is orgasm.
And so one of the reasons that we're so repressed in our world is that we have been—that sex has been used, again, the lack of knowledge of sex has been used to keep us in the dark so that we put our attention on other things. And so this is a control mechanism.
And I am uncontrollable, Corinne. It's impossible to control me. I am a ruthlessly sexually self-expressed woman who makes her own decisions about what she wants in her life, who lives to the frickin' max at all times.
I love my power. I love my wisdom, my confidence, my intelligence. Most women would never sit here and talk about how great they are, but that's the kind of thing we need to be modeling to each other because we are, to a person, absolutely fabulous.
No matter what we look like, no matter how old we are, it's the love in our hearts, the things we create, the connections we make, the joy we bring, and the pleasure that we have. Like, what are we doing here?
So when we think about sex, we have to move away from sex as intercourse. That's because many repressed communities say sex is for procreation only. You should never have sex with more than one person. You know, like all these rules to contain us because we're uncontainable otherwise, right?
So the biggest issue is that that couple—and they're not unusual, they're very, very unique—he stopped touching her, and she stopped hoping for sex because he can't get a hard penis.
So what's the answer to that? It's two things. The first one is that he should go to a urologist and he should talk about his lack of erectile function.
And of course, he should be working on reversing his health. Those pharmaceuticals that he's taking, are they things that are covering up issues that there are root causes of that could be helped by changing diet, lifestyle, exercise, getting better sleep, seeing a trauma therapist, using a regular penis pump every couple of days to bring blood flow and capacity back to that atrophied tissue, taking nitric oxide supplementation and eating leafy greens and beetroot three times a day, and going out for a walk after every meal?
Are you using acoustic wave or going to get acoustic wave treatments at your regenerative doctor?
Do you have the Tenuto penis ring that vibrates for him and her so that he can pump up his penis, slip it on, it traps in the blood for 30 minutes so he can maintain an erection, they can have penetrative sex, and then he takes it off and he's done while he's remediating, or even if he can't remediate?
He could still use a vacuum erection device to pump up his penis, trap in the blood with the ring. It has a vibrating side for her and a vibrating side under the testicles for him. He gets extra pleasure. She can ride on top of him and enjoy his hardness and have orgasms from the vibrator while he plays with her breasts and kisses her and tells her how gorgeous she is and how much he loves her.
So, like, yeah, you can solve every problem, right? You could throw anything at me, and I will tell you how to have lots of orgasms together. Start having the best sex of your life. You can rekindle your sex life at any age. You never age out of sex.
The more you do it, the better you get. The better your orgasms get, the more kinds of orgasms you have. I mean, there's just so much that you can do to have fun if you don't have this rigid mentality of what quote-unquote sex is that someone told you. And they're not the boss of you. You're the boss of you.
Tell me about these other ways to have—like, because you said, like, let's say we're not going to have intercourse, like traditional, what we think sex is.
Yeah.
Tell me all the other ones because my husband and I actually have some good sex.
Yeah.
Very proud of us.
Good.
He has that ring, by the way, and I got that ring after you talked about it on stage.
Right. Quite nice.
Good. I'm so glad.
Yeah. So let me give that to your listeners as well. I keep everything that I talk about at a website at drivedesire.com.
And we'll put that in show notes.
Yes. Drive, like sex drive, desire, driving your desire, drivedesire.com. So the Tenuto is on there. You'll be able to find it. All my favorite things.
So yeah, let's talk about some stuff. Well, remember I talked about yoni massage. So yoni massage is basically manual pleasuring. And it's also called lingam massage when you do it to your partner, to your man.
And so the lingam is the penis, testicles, perineal area, prostate. Just like the yoni is the labia, inner and outer labia, the clitoral shaft, the clitoral tip, the mons, the entrance to the vagina, the inside of the vaginal pocket, the perineum, all of those, your groin, your lower belly. I mean, all of that's erogenous too.
So just lying down together and taking turns with some nice warm oil. Chemical-free favorite oils are on the page too, because I just recently went to a conference in Nashville, and it was a bunch of vendors for pleasure stores and things like that.
And the list of ingredients on these lubes and things was so disgusting. I just don't like anything that you wouldn't just drink or eat, you know? I don't want to put anything in my vulvovaginal system that I wouldn't put on my salad.
That's a good way to think about it.
Two ends of the same tube, essentially. You know, it's really mucosal lining, whether it's in your mouth or your vagina. So it absorbs everything to your bloodstream.
So, yeah. One person lies back and is, you know, head on a pillow, legs butterflied open, pillows under the legs, soft music on, pitcher of water. The lighting is nice. You've got a stack of fresh towels. You've got your favorite lubes.
My favorite for that, for lingams especially, is Pleasure Pods. You'll find that on my page too. They're these, like, little, almost like a bar of soap, of wonderful nut butters that melt on the skin and provide some really nice glide rather than, like, a drippy pouring kind of liquid or a cold, yucky gelatinous liquid. I don't like any of those.
You just take your time and you stroke and you pleasure and you tickle and you tantalize and you swirl and you do all of those things.
And then over time, as you take turns doing that to each other, you start to learn what feels good and how each area of that body part likes to be touched.
Does it want to be kneaded between your fingers? Does it want to be rubbed back and forth across the top? Does it want to have the lightest little touch along the shaft? Does it want to have little circles around the clitoral head? How much lubricant do you want in any given moment?
It begins—it gets you starting to talk to each other about what feels good in the moment, because no matter what body you're in, but especially the female body being the body that runs with the moon, like the wild wolves that we are, the wild witchy wolves that we are, when you lie down together, you're different every single day based on your sleep, nutrition, stress, you know, movement, all of the things that are going on in your life, your menstrual cycle, or even after your menstrual cycle. We still are moon cyclers.
So sometimes we want heavy sensation. Sometimes we want super light sensation. Sometimes we start out wanting super light, and then we want heavy.
And so learning how to communicate with your partner back and forth with yoni massages and lingam massages is super good practice. It brings the blood flow in. It helps improve that genital tissue. And that allows you to have more sensation because when it's flaccid—and remember that, you know, you know that your husband's penis goes from a tiny little thing to a nice thing. And that's half of what you see. The other half is inside his body.
It gets an internal erection too. You can feel the buried shaft. If you kind of dig your fingers around the base of the shaft, you can feel it goes in deeper. It goes right in and down through the testicles.
Well, that whole banana's worth of spongy tissue that gets erect from the blood flow, that is the same amount of erectile tissue we have in our yoni.
We have clitoral, you know, arms, legs, shaft, glands, tip, body of the clitoris. We've got a urethral sponge. It's not a G-spot. It's a long tube of tissue. We've got a perineal sponge at the bottom of our vaginal pocket between our vagina and rectum. Our mons is spongy. The outer labia are all spongy. The clitoris gets its own little erection.
And so we have that same amount of tissue, but it takes us, like, 20, 30 minutes to get full blood flow into all of it because it kind of seeps in rather than shoots down those tubes like in his penis. And so we need time to get fully engorged.
And once we are and we have our little lady boner, then we have all this surface area. And all of that tissue has all kinds of corpuscles and mechanoreceptors and nerve endings and heat thermosensors and all these things that are signaling to your brain to process, "Oh, that feels good. That's warm. Oh, that's nice and cool. Oh, I like how soft it is. Oh, I like when he's squeezing me."
What it's doing is, your brain is what's telling you it feels good. And when it's flaccid, the signal is cut to nothing. When it's erect, the signal is like fiber optics versus dial-up modem.
That's really what it's like. And so most couples, they think sex is intercourse. They go straight to penetration or maybe, you know, grab a boob, kiss a little bit, stick it right in. Women aren't aroused.
And so often the reason they think they have a low libido or they don't really want sex is they think that sex is intercourse. And it's never really been very good for them because we've never seen images of what that is—how to make love to a vagina, not just for a penis.
What does orgasmic intercourse look like? I've written 10 different techniques that help couples learn how to give the vagina what she wants in addition to what the penis wants. That's at orgasmicintercourse.com. It's just a free thing. It clicks you to 10 articles that I've written with the recipes for using each of those techniques.
So that's another thing that I think is a really important part of this: yoni massage, lingam massage, then move to oral pleasuring once you're all plumped up. Use your fingers to get the tissue going, to get your hard-ons, right? Then try oral.
You can do side-by-side 69. You can take turns. And a lot of people say to me, "69, I can't concentrate. Like, I'm too—it's too much. For me, it's too much pressure. I can't come when I'm trying to also do."
And I'm like, "Okay, so you've done it, what, twice, three times, and you've decided you don't like it?" Like, sex takes—lovemaking takes practice. This is not like making a baby.
Maybe you can just stick tab A in slot B and conceive a little too easily sometimes, right? And sometimes for others, harder. It's not that. It's gaining skill.
It's learning that you don't always have to be performing, that you can lose yourself in taking your own pleasure together, and that the taking of your pleasure is a gift you give to your lover as well.
So you create a circuit between you of sensual energy when you're simultaneously pleasuring each other. Practice it. Find your positions that work for your body dynamics. Use pillows.
I'm a pillow princess. I prop everything up and lie there like a dang princess. And sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm up running the bedroom game when I feel like that too. I don't really worry about who's on top and who's on bottom and who's doing what to what.
We're in a flow state. When you get competent, you become in a flow state of pleasure together.
So it sounds like there's a lot of communication involved. And what about, because I know this is what my women will be asking—
Yeah.
How do you get comfortable talking to your partner about it? Because I know that a lot of my women, number one, they may be able to work up the nerve to do it, but their partner is also uncomfortable with talking about it. So how do you bridge that so you can get to all this amazing stuff?
Yeah. Well, there's two things. The first is that you get good at things by practicing them. Like, you just freaking do it. It's the same as learning how to bake a pie. The first time you baked a pie, it didn't look that good. But your pies look good now, and they taste even better, right?
Recipes are really a good analogy for sex because, you know, the first time you try something, you're like, "I would have doubled the carbonara sauce on that. And I would have definitely—I would have doubled everything. That was too much pasta for the sausage and the broccolini and the porcini mushrooms. Yeah, I'm going to double everything but the pasta next time."
Next time he makes it, like, "Oh, that's really good. But you know what I think I'm going to do? I'm going to roast some garlic myself, and I'm going to put that in the carbonara sauce. I think it'll taste really good with rosemary."
I make that and people are like, "Oh my God, Mom, this is the best thing you ever made."
Then you make it again, and you're like, "Oh, now I'm sautéing the mushrooms right after I sauté the sausage oil and putting it in like that. Oh, those tasted even better," you know?
And so this is what you're doing, is you're learning how to speak to each other.
And it's interesting that there—you know how I talked about the three things that I focus on. One is sex techniques. One is bedroom communication. And the other is intimate health and wellness information, like how to keep your parts in good working order.
So the sex techniques—whatever you want to learn, in whatever order, you cannot go wrong. If you want to learn yoni and lingam massage, if you want to learn oral pleasure, if you want to learn the orgasmic intercourse techniques, if you want to learn my favorite sex toys and how I use them in the bedroom, right? All of those things are learnable skills.
New sex positions. I have some sex positions where they stimulate multiple erogenous zones simultaneously. So you're not just doing that sex position where it's like just the same old in and out, but in a different place. You know, it's like breast pleasuring. It's all these different things.
So whatever you want to learn, whatever sounds good, you just go choose that and try that first thing.
But with communication, it's really important to start with the foundation of communication of a good sex life, which is something that I call the Sexual Soulmate Pact, P-A-C-T, like an agreement between lovers.
And basically it solves a number of problems. And the problems most commonly—but not always and not exclusively—but across the big bell curve of every, you know, pretty much everybody, it's, "Well, I don't know what I want. I just know what I'm getting isn't it." Or, "I'm afraid to ask for what I want because my partner's going to think I'm weird or it's going to wig them out."
Or, "If I speak up and ask my partner to change anything or do anything, he gets like—he just crashes out and he gets all like, 'You don't have to tell me what to do. I know what to do. I'm in charge here.'"
You know, take a seat, dude. Just take a seat right now. I'm in charge. My yoni is in charge. I'm not even in charge. My yoni is in charge.
She's got lips. Did you notice that she has lips? She's talking to me all the time.
And I'm going to learn my ability to do what's called interoception, which is one of our senses. Proprioception is, where's my body in space so I don't crash into things?
Interoception is, what's going on inside me? You know darn well when you're trying to hold in a fart, or you've got a fingernail, or your shoes are tight, or whatever, you know.
Well, you also can tune into that same communication channel. The radio station's called K-L-U-V, by the way, K-Love, because you've got to love yourself.
And when you tune into that station, you start to hear what she's saying, and you use the lips on your mouth to speak for the lips on your yoni. Then your partner can start to give you the things that your body really wants, and you can give yourself the things your body really wants.
But if your partner's like, "You don't need to tell me that," or, "Oh God, now I never do anything right," or, you know, all this stuff to keep you shut down and shut up because their ego is so fricking fragile they can't hear one thing you need in this moment—"You're on my hair." I know, like that.
Oh my God, when you've got that husband or you've got the stubborn donkey—there are stubborn—oh, there's a couple of women listening to us right now, Corinne, who are like, "Yep, I'm married to the stubborn donkey. That girl knows what she is talking about."
Trust me, I have dated a stubborn donkey, and I wanted to teach him the Sexual Soulmate Pact. He thought he needed to know everything. He didn't want to ever feel like he was wrong. He had to be the winner. And if he said anything, he just, like, got all bent out of shape.
Well, I made him read the Sexual Soulmate Pact. I said, "Here's how I want this to go down now. You want to be in my bed? This is how we're working this situation. I need to be able to say anything I want without using my manners because I want to stay in that theta brainwave state of mind. I want to stay in that pleasure head. I don't need to be a good little girl and use my please and thank-yous."
I'm just going to say, "Go higher. Don't stop. Rub it harder. Oh, right there, right there, right there, right there. Okay, I'm just going to lie here. Don't stop till I say something. Here I go."
And you just sink into that pleasure, and you just ride that pleasure. And it almost—it's like you're dead, but you're not. You're just in that zone.
You know, when you have a partner who's like, "Baby, tell me everything. Tell me everything." And when you say, "Do it harder, softer, whatever, I want to know. Can we try this? You know what I'd like to do right now?"
"Yeah, tell me."
And you tell them and they go, "Thank you. How's this? Got it. Is it better? Do you like that?"
When they start doing that, that's when your sex life gets really good. And that empowers them to begin asking for what feels good to them. And you're like, "Got it, babe. How's this? Oh yeah, sure. I'll do that for you. Yeah. How's it feel this way? Harder? Softer?"
Like, when you get to that point where you can just ask for what you need without putting on your good-girl shoes, and your partner's, like, lapping it up, now you can start talking about anything.
You can laugh. You can moan. You can start finding your voice. You can start sharing fantasies. You can talk after sex about the hot—"Hey, what was the hot part for you today?"
It's a technique called sharing frames that one of my mentors, whose lineage is of expanded orgasm, that I pass on.
And the sharing frames is, "Well, I really liked the other night when you were just rubbing across the top of my mons, like back and forth from the groin to the groin to the groin to the groin to the groin to the groin. And it felt so good. And it was like that tissue got gelatinous. And then I got really lubricated. I got really wet from that."
And, of course, that's a biomechanical situation where the blood flow can get down into your genitals because you're moving that tissue, which is holding the flow back. Like, that's all that is. And it feels really good.
When your mons, the part at the top of your pubic hair that goes across, that is a key. Just like the labia, inner and outer, they are part of your clitoris. They're part of the whole situation. They're not technically part of the clitoral body, but they are part of your pleasure centers.
And so when your partner's like, "Oh, wow, I thought I was just supposed to directly stimulate the clitoris, and you're asking me to rub up way up there, back and forth, back and forth. Who knew?"
Right. So when you start really communicating and playing around, you find the things that feel good. And then you start having an expansive repertoire of pleasuring techniques.
Yeah. And I think for my listeners, one of the things that y'all will need to keep in mind is that if you have not been voicing your opinion or shit in any area of your life, this is going to feel very different.
I always tell my clients, watch when you say, "This is hard," or, "This is bad." Always remind your brain, "No, it's different." And anything different, I have to remind myself, I have to keep doing it until it feels normal. The only way to get to normal is for it to feel different for a while.
So I just want to make sure they understand, like, this is—because I was sitting there listening. I was thinking, "Oh, my husband, we actually do sharing for him." So I was so proud of us.
But even when there's times that I even come up with a little, like, shame—or it's not even shame. It's like almost embarrassment to tell him things.
And he's so open to all of it. Like, he's never not been open. In fact, I remember we started dating. He read books. He was studying my anatomy.
I was like, "What are these books?"
He's like, "I just want to make sure I can take care of you."
That's what they want to do. They want to give us incredible pleasure.
Yes. And I think that's the vast majority, but I think women also need to take a little ownership, and we also have to speak up.
You have to tell them what they're doing right. That's what they want. You want encouragement and adoration in equal measure. What they want is appreciation and respect for a job well done.
So when you talk to your husband, you say to him, "You were incredible today. The way you were touching me was so good. I loved how you showed up in bed today. So well-shaved, well-groomed. Your fingers—I could tell you used the fingernail brush on your fingernails. I loved the way I had let myself go on you today, and I was just taking my pleasure, and I could see in your eyes how much you were loving it. I really love being—I really love you being my lover."
You know, like, that's the stuff they need. They need encouragement. Look, they grew up in the same crappy culture, and it suppressed and oppressed them too, right? We're all in this together. It's not us against them.
So if you are going to—like, let's say one of my clients is sitting there and she's like, "I am literally stage zero. I never talked to my husband about this. We don't talk about this. We've had just basic sex most of our lives. I want more."
And especially because a lot of my women, it's like not only her hormones are changing, but he's getting older. Like, everything is changing.
Where should they start? Like, what would you say? Step one is this, babe.
Yeah. One of the books I wrote is Sexual Soulmates: The Six Essentials for Connected Sex. It's the kind of thing you're never taught. They're almost like the soft sciences, the soft parts of pleasure.
And they're very much the opposite of, like, sex for procreation. They're very much, like, sensual and erotic and things like that. Five of the six of them create more trust and safety to open to each other. And the sixth one creates the novelty and variety that makes sex get hotter and hotter over time.
And you can buy the book on Amazon.com, but I think you can just go download it from my website. Let me give you that URL. You don't have to spend any money on it. It's sexualsoulmatesbook.com. Sexualsoulmatesbook.com.
And the six essentials—I've got it right here. It's cute. It's like lovers in the moonlight. Nothing in there is going to wig anybody out. It's really, really sweet.
And what I like about it is that it's not just what you should know as a beginner. It's the foundations for sex that keeps getting hotter.
So I want to come to what they are.
So what are the six essentials?
I'll just go through them very quickly. The first one is learning how to stay present with each other. A lot of times you're doing this kind of, like, rote path that you've worn, and that's what you think sex is, and it's not.
Even what I said today of other things besides intercourse, that's just—I barely scratched the surface.
I wrote something called the Sex Life Bucket List with 48 erotic play dates of all sorts of things you could try together. Nothing yucky, all fabulous.
And so for you to be able to get to the point where you can try those things, you have to learn how to be really safe with each other, heart-connected. You have to not be thinking about other things. You have to be able to feel your pleasure and stay in sensation, which, for a lot of women especially, they have a very hard time just receiving incredible pleasure.
Which is why I love yoni massages because yoni massages—you got nothing to do, girl. You're just going to lie there and have orgasms.
Eventually, you're going to get to the point where the entire experience is orgasmic because you've learned to lock into each other's sensation, into your limbic bodies together. He's taking you on the journey. You're riding the ride. You're doing nothing, and there's nothing for you to do except take your pleasure.
And that presence helps you from fight, flight, wanting to leave the scene, getting—
And even for me today, Corinne, at 65 years old, been working on my sex life for 25 years. It's been getting better and better and better and better. Even now, when I lie down on that bed and my husband puts his hands on me and he starts to pleasure me, sometimes it takes me a minute to get out of my head and into my body, and I have to pull myself back.
I'm going a million miles an hour. I've got a million things to do. That's just how our brains are. We are multitasking brains with highly activated reticular activation systems to keep us safe. And so it takes us a long time to calm.
So presence is very important.
The second one is setting the lover space. That's creating the beautiful conditions for pleasure.
I normally recommend that if you're in a relationship with a man, that you have him do that part because you don't need one more damn thing to do to have sex.
You want to do the things that don't feel like pressure, coercion, expectation, guilt, etc. So when he sets up the lover space, creates the environment for you to just fall into it, things go better.
And I talk about what those exact things are. You give him a list. "Here is your list." That's what they need.
But they need to think they thought it up themselves. "Here's a list. I threw a few things down, but I'm sure you'll come up with even more."
That's a good way to talk to your husband about it.
Sorry, guys who are listening. We love you, but we also understand how your brain works and how you were raised in this culture.
The next one is the one I talked about, the Sexual Soulmate Pact, which is learning to have a free flow of communication that doesn't break sex.
"Oh, shh, shouldn't talk during sex." Of course you should talk during sex. Like, it's not this sacred thing that you're doing. You're not a sacred priestess from Egypt, for God's sake. Just say what you want, you know?
God, it's different every day. Who knows what's in that little beautiful head of yours?
The next is polarity. And what's very interesting about polarity is that it doesn't matter who's the leader, who's the follower, who's the giver, who's the receiver.
You start off often, in a pair-bonded American couple, you start off with she's kind of in the receiving mode and he's in the giving mode because that's what's shown on TV.
But when she starts to learn, when she gains her confidence and has more experience sexually, she can start to give, and he can begin to receive. He needs to learn to receive.
And then you can get to the point where you're kind of switchy, going back and forth. And there's no, you know, there's no role-playing anymore where you're both equally really good in bed and know what you want and love to be together.
And then you move into kind of this flow state where there's really no roles anymore. And then you move into ecstatic bliss states, conjoined trance states of ecstatic orgasmic pleasure together.
So there's this ascension model, but it starts with practicing your polarity, right? One person is going to come up with the ideas, and they're going to give offers, and they're going to get the stuff ready, and they're doing initiation, and they're making it really easy for there to be no expectation that there's going to be anything that happens.
We're going to go with the flow. There's no pressure.
Your husband can masturbate. He needs to ejaculate all the time, and it's good for him.
Yeah, I was actually talking to my husband about it. My best friend's dad got, I think it's prostate cancer. And isn't it, like, regular sex and ejaculation really good to kind of prevent that for men?
Regular ejaculation. Sex is also excellent for you, but it is not required. Your husband can masturbate.
If you have an inability to have intercourse with him for any reason at all, that's not your job to manage that for him. It's his job to manage his ejaculatory function, just like it's his job to manage his hydration.
So it's not your job. Your job is to be in complete pleasure together with him and to learn how to do that well.
I just love the way you talk about sex. I mean, it just sounds like I'm going to just lay on a pillow and be taken care of.
Oh, well, Corinne, you might be a pillow princess like I am.
Oh, yeah. I think I am, honestly.
Yes. Oh, I find that very resting when I can just lie there and orgasm.
But then again, I also—gosh, it wasn't probably till I was about 55 that I really learned how to ride him. And I do that now.
And I love to take him to the edge, take him to the edge, take him to the edge, tell him dirty stories, enjoy myself, take my pleasure.
Now that intercourse has become wildly orgasmic for me, even without touching the tip of my clitoris at all, my whole vagina is activated. Now I've learned how to do all of that.
And you can too. We all can. We're just not shown how. That's a big part of what my orgasmic intercourse techniques do.
Now, it doesn't matter who's on top and who's on bottom and who's on the sides and all those things.
So the other one is embodied sexuality. And embodied sexuality is really learning how to feel. It's learning how to stay in sensations, expanding the amount of pleasure that you can literally withstand and hold yourself open to.
That's all that engorgement and activation that I was talking about earlier.
And orgasmic cross-training, which is getting a few different types of pleasure tools and stimulating your genitals with them to wake up all that tissue in your genitals.
So for him, it would be a stroker, a suction blower, a vibration stroker, vibrating penis rings for intercourse, things like that.
And then for her, it would be things like an air stimulator, an oscillator, a vibrator, a wand that goes internally so you can— the vaginal tissue, a G-spot pleasuring toy, anal toys as well. They're very nice for intercourse.
And so once you wake up all that tissue, now you can feel everything. So that's a process of waking the tissue up that may have never been awakened so far in your life.
And I'll say one quick thing about that too, that I think is very important. And that is that there was a study done by—that 41 women were touched on their breasts and nipples, on their clitoris, their labia, the opening to their vagina, and inside their vagina.
And the nurse practitioner who was doing the recording wrote all of their comments verbatim, but they all boiled down to they felt four things.
They felt either pain: "That hurts when you touch it."
Shame: "I feel like that's dirty. You shouldn't touch me there."
Numbness: "I don't feel anything."
Or pleasure: "That feels good there."
And interestingly enough, most women felt more pleasure from being touched around the opening to the vagina than their clitoris with 10,000 nerve endings in it, because their clitoris hadn't yet been activated fully, and they were just used to intercourse with sex.
They were in that old paradigm: we do foreplay and then we have sex. Sex means intercourse.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Sex is all the things. Foreplay is a bullshit term for, "Let's hurry through this."
It's like an appetizer versus the entrée. That's all bullshit. Every single thing you eat is delicious. Every single kind of sex you have is fabulous and keeps getting better when you practice.
So this idea is that you can transform any part of your body that is feeling painful, shameful, or numb into pleasure by using loving touch and pleasuring tools that activates the tissue and denumifies it, de-shames it, sensitizes it.
So that's embodied sexuality. Very, very important.
And then erotic play dates. And I mentioned that earlier.
So those are the six essentials of connected sex, with the 48 types of erotic play dates where now you're no longer having—you're not making sex. You're not going, "All right, I guess I have to have sex with him."
You're going, "I can't wait till Thursday when we try that new intercourse vibrator so that I don't even have to hold a vibrator on my clitoris while he makes love, and we try some of those new orgasmic intercourse techniques. I'm going to come like crazy. I'm committed to it. Where's that thing?"
It's called the Luxus at drivedesire.com.
So these are things that are really good ways for you to get that motor running and get that kitty purring.
Well, this has been awesome. And I mean, there's a lot of information too.
It is, but it makes sense, right? It's like a package.
No, it does. It does. Like, if I was going to sum it up, it's, I think we don't know what we don't know. Like, we're just—we kind of come back to what we talked about in the beginning.
You're talking about it at a level that we just don't hear. And it's kind of a shame because I have—
Oh, yeah. I think so many marriages would benefit greatly if they had some sex training.
Yeah. So I'm going to make sure all of these links get on the show notes because you gave us tons. And so I'll get them.
I know, because I never know what people are going to want. Different people need different things. And I don't like to say stuff without giving resources. So yeah, I think it helps a lot of people when they can just download a little thing and get what they need.
Exactly. Well, I appreciate you being here. Thank you so much.
Oh my God.
We will see you next week.
Thank you.
