February 24, 2022

Episode 256: How to Stop Eating to Feel Good

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The biggest mistake in weightloss I see women make is simple:

They spend time trying to lose weight to feel good about themselves instead of learning how to feel good about themselves so they are motivated in a good way to lose weight.

When you lose weight to feel good about yourself, you will run out of energy. Your inner critic is in charge and whipping your ass daily to make sure you stick to your diet.

And when we run out of energy, we EAT to FEEL GOOD.

You’re desperately trying to outrun what’s going on inside your head with weightloss and food.

When you learn how to change the inner dialogue, you GAIN energy. You WANT to take care of yourself, and you tell yourself NO with regards to overeating because you know THAT is how you want to TREAT yourself.

Today on the podcast, I’ll walk you through two of the most common ways we talk to ourselves that have us eating to feel good.

Listen to Episode 256: How to Stop Eating to Feel Good today!

Transcript

Corinne:

Hi, I’m Corinne. After a lifetime of obesity, being bullied for being the fattest kid in the class, and losing and gaining weight like it was my job, I finally got my shit together and I lost 100 pounds. Each week, I’ll teach you no bullshit weight loss advice you can use to overcome battle with weight. I keep it simple. You’ll learn how to quit eating, and thinking like an asshole. You stop that, and weight loss becomes easy. My goal is to help you lose weight the way you want to live your life. If you are ready to figure out weight loss, then let’s go.

Corinne:

Hey, you all do you want to spend an entire week with me for free? If so, the Take Control of Food Challenge is going to be going down February 27th through March 6th. Head on over to takecontrolchallenge.com right now, and get registered. During this challenge, you’re going to get a daily mini lesson from me, teaching you something new and simple and doable that you can do to help you take control over food. And then every single day, I’m going to be going live at 10:00 AM central time so that you can ask me questions and work in real time with me learning how to eat better, how to think better, so you can feel better. I’m going to teach you the ins and outs of the doable hunger method, what to do with busted good food, bad thinking that just leaves your ass worrying that you’re not eating the right things in order to lose weight.

Corinne:

We’re going to spend a whole day working on why you even want to lose weight, and make sure that it helps you instead of having a why that tends to drag you down, leaving you unmotivated and unfocused. And then we’re going to work a lot on some of the most common obstacles in weight loss that keep us stuck in self sabotage patterns. I find that women do not get told near enough about the common problems that we all run into. We want to normalize those. We want to know what they are, because what ends up happening is if you don’t know that these things typically do happen and what to do about it, about the time you get some momentum, guess what happens? You fuck up, you beat yourself up over it, and then you give up. So we’re going to fix all of that during the Take Control of Food Challenge.

Corinne:

You’re also going to get access to a special popup Facebook group for the week, so you can meet other challengers, you can support each other, and you’ll be able to get questions answered that are coming up for you all week long by me and my no BS weight loss experts. Now, if you can’t attend any of this live, you’re like, “Corinne, but I work, I can’t come to the daily fires.” No problem. We are going to make sure that everything goes on replay and you’ll have access to it for that entire week. So if you can’t attend live, go ahead and register so you can get access to all your replays, you can get access to all of the videos, and you’ll have access to that free one week only popup Facebook group. So if you want to lose weight that’s easy and doable and you need daily motivation so you can keep your going, then I want you to sign up for the Take Control of Food Challenge right now. Go to takecontrolchallenge.com to register, and I will see you starting February 27th.

Corinne:

All right, everybody, welcome back. So today, Kathy and I are going to do a little podcast on talking about how to stop eating when you feel good. And Kathy and I, before we ever do a podcast, we always have like a little pre-chat. We talk about like, what we going to talk about and I’ve always outlined things. And so the first thing she said is, “Well, of the ones we’re doing today, this is my favorite.”

Kathy Hartman:

That’s right. I was reading this thinking, did she write this with me in mind? I think I say that almost every time we podcast. “Oh, this one’s for me. Right?”

Corinne:

You’re like my person that I think of every time I write Kathy Hartman.

Kathy Hartman:

Well, it’s funny that this came up because almost every week after church, I’ll walk out and I’ll ask our sweet little priest. I’ll say, “Was there anybody else in the pews today or was it just me? Because you were talking right to me.”

Corinne:

Exactly. Well, and this one is interesting because as I tell you guys, I love taking walks. I think there’s nothing better. If we’re going to be talking about how to not eat, feel good, I do a lot of things for myself that I do them because they feel good. Walking is one of them. I used be so crazy about working out. When I was losing weight and stuff, it took a while for me. I loved going to workout and I loved the experience, but what I didn’t love is days off, and I didn’t love if I had to miss time. It would drive me crazy. My mind would go nuts on thinking that I was going to regain my weight eight or all these bad things are going to happen. Even when I had lost a significant amount of my weight and just kept rolling, kept rolling, kept rolling, and I remember having to mess a couple of days because I legit got so sick that I just couldn’t go to the gym. I shouldn’t even be at the gym.

Corinne:

I look like the kind of person that people would say, “Ugh,” if they got around you. She’s coughing. It’s very obvious that … this was pre-COVID. Nowadays, if you cough out in public, it’s like people are putting up the holy cross and trying to dash you with the holy water. But this was back in the day where lots of people went out when they were sick. And so, anyway, I’m not supposed to be at the gym. I stay home, sitting there, beating myself up, thinking like a douche bag, this is how it always starts. I had been working out for months and months and months, I had lost tons of weight. I loved working out. I had workout friends now. I was doing races. There was thousands of reasons why I could believe that I was the kind of person now that exercised. I missed two days because of the flu and I’m like, “This is how it all starts. You’re going to regain all your weight back. I bet you’ll never go back to the gym ever again.”

Corinne:

And so I bring this up because what a lot of us are doing is we are sitting around eating to feel good and we’re not listening to our minds. We’re not listening to how often we just have a shitty narrative and we don’t correct it. So like, in that example, if I was to go back in time, I would love to tell myself on those days, this is what you need to remind yourself, how you’ve changed, how you actually like it now. I used to work out and hate it. I actually enjoy it now. You can’t wait to be back with your friends. I had one of my best friends. She and I went to the gym several times a week. That was our mommy and me time. Our kids would go to the daycare and we went to the gym and we hung out like women. We were nobody’s mama in there. We were just two ladies lifting weights heavy and hanging out with people. And it was like going to the bar at 10:00 AM is where we got to be an adult.

Kathy Hartman:

That’s awesome though. That’s awesome.

Corinne:

Yeah, but that was the thing about … for all of you is to be thinking, there are things that I think about during the day that I’m letting fly under my radar, I’m not correcting, I’m not questioning. And those are reasons that set us up later, especially in the day to want to eat to feel good, because if we’re not figuring out why we don’t feel good during the day with our own inner self talk, then that is why we’ll eat to feel good later, because our brain is like, well, if we can’t do it naturally with how you think, then I’ll do it unnaturally by sending your ass to the pantry for some chips. And I just think this is important.

Corinne:

So for me, when I wrote this podcast, I was on a walk and I used to, once I had gotten to where I was a runner and I was doing all kinds of … and lifting and stuff, I went through a period where I felt like walking wasn’t enough. And I had changed my attitude about it. It in the beginning was how I got started and it was everything and I had all these beautiful thoughts about it. Then I started exercising harder and stuff, and then all of a sudden, my thoughts are about walking was, well, it’s not good enough. Well, I’ve come back around one more time full circle to, walks are where like, especially on days when I’m tired, walks are the gift I give myself. I go out. You are not going to see me, power walking. I barely look like I have purpose. I am just walking, and a lot of times I’m taking in podcasts, I’m taking in fresh air. I’m just kind of taking in life.

Corinne:

And so for all of you, I think that’s one of the things we have to start doing in order to, if we don’t want to eat to feel good, we have to understand that in order to feel good about ourselves, we’ve got to start treating ourselves better mentally first. And this is important because a lot of people, I was actually talking about this this morning on a membership Q&A. I do a membership Q&A every single week with our members, where all I do is answer questions. And then another day, all I do is bring people on camera and we coach all day, we coach for a couple hours and the entire membership is invited. Well, in membership Q&A today, it’s somebody who was talking today about wanting to be more intentional about not eating. And I was like, you need to be more intentional about not beating yourself up because you’re eating because of the beatdowns you’re giving yourself all day long. You’re eating because all day long, you’re not taking a moment to congratulate yourself.

Corinne:

You’re not noticing what you’re doing right. You’re thinking that, I haven’t done enough today. You’re thinking about what you should be tomorrow. You’re thinking about what you didn’t get done yesterday. You’re thinking about a lot of residue crap, and this is important because some of you aren’t just sitting around whipping the out of yourselves. A lot of you aren’t total self loaders, but you are for sure not self cheerleaders, and there’s a difference. So it’s like thinking about that. And I was saying, before you can stop eating to feel good, the real fix is you have to start thinking to feel good first. When we do that, we take away the stimulus to eat. So I was out on this walk. I know this is the longest story about the stupid walk that I took.

Kathy Hartman:

Well, let me just say, before you start talking about your walk, [crosstalk 00:11:04]-

Corinne:

Yeah. Let’s delay that for one more minute.

Kathy Hartman:

That’s right. I just want to reiterate something that you said. You said in order to lose weight and in order to feel better, you have to start taking care of yourself mentally first. I think back to my weight watcher days, back to the days before I met you and everybody who ever taught me how to lose weight gave me a point system or a calorie plan or a meal plan or something. And they never told me that if I was talking to myself like a jackass, I was probably going to eat. They just said, “Here have some broccoli. It’s free.”

Corinne:

Right.

Kathy Hartman:

And I think that’s just such a huge, huge point to make. And as I know as you tell your story, you’ll go into how to do this. How do you start talking to yourself? How does this really connect? So I’m super excited to hear some more. Tell me about the walk, Corinne. Tell me all about the walk.

Corinne:

Back to my life changing walk I took one day that everybody’s like on their grip now. I was listening to a business podcast. A lot of times I listen to all kinds of podcasts, all kinds of books, and I get inspiration everywhere. And so there was a sentence that was said, and God love whoever said this. I really wish I remembered who did, because I would love to just give your podcast some props, but they said, “Are you hustling to feel good about yourself? Or are you hustling because you feel good about yourself?” And let me explain, and this is how it translates into your weight loss life. I want all of you to think about, are you trying really hard to lose weight in order to feel good about yourself, or do you feel so good about yourself that you’re willing to try really hard to lose weight?

Corinne:

It’s a very different mental construct, and it is the reason why most of us are not successful. What we want to do is we want to not overeat by telling ourselves we can’t, we shouldn’t, you won’t lose weight this way. We want to force ourselves to follow a meal plan. We want to make ourselves exercise. We want to spend a lot of that hustle. I got a grind it, punitive energy. And if I do enough of that, if I just force myself to follow all the rules, then at the end, I’ll get to feel good. And then at the end, I will get to do … then I can feel good about myself. The problem is that all along the way, the way your inner self talk happens is it talks to you in a certain way.

Corinne:

And so if you’re telling yourself, “Well, you weigh too much, you can’t eat that.” Or if you’re telling yourself, “You need to go to the gym because you’re lazy.” Or every time you weigh in, you tell yourself, “Don’t get too cocky. You always screw up. So you better be good.” That language never gets broken. You never think of new ways to think about yourself. You never think about motivating stuff. Now, you’ll lose weight. There will be a day you’ll weigh in, and your weight is gone and you’re just like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. There will be some fireworks that will go off. But on the backside is all of the language and all of the thinking patterns about yourself that you laid into your habit cycle. So just like it’s a habit to brush your teeth with your right hand after you comb your hair, it will also be a habit to get on the scale and think something douchy about yourself.

Corinne:

So after the first few times you weigh 150 pounds in your like, “Hell yeah, look at me. I’ve lost my weight.” Then what happens after a few days it’s called hedonic conditioning happens. You start getting used to seeing 150, and it does not take very long for your brain to be like, yeah, well, make sure you don’t screw that up. You worked really hard to lose that weight. So don’t go out today and be an asshole. Your brain will start talking to you exactly the same way it talked to you on the way down. So that’s why you’ll have to keep making yourself exercise. You won’t go to the gym thinking, “I’ve lost 100 pounds. I’m so amazing and fit. I can’t wait to bust in the doors like the Kool-Aid man.” You’ll be saying this like, “Bitch, you can’t miss a day. It was really hard for you to lose this weight. You need to get in there, and you need to make yourself do it hard.”

Corinne:

Your brain will keep talking to you with the same tone, the same intention, and the same type of feelings. It just will nuance what it’s …. The topic just changes. Rather than talking to you about, you need to lose weight. Now it’ll start being an asshole to you about how to stay there and what to be worried about. So if you’re always worrying that you can’t control yourself around food, guess what? When you weigh 150 pounds, you’re not going to be like, well, now I have total control over food. Never going to worry another day in my life. That is not what happens. If you lose all your weight, then every time you go out, your brain is like, “Be really careful about what you eat. You know how easy it is for you to gain weight. You work so hard and to lose it.”

Corinne:

So you’re still sitting there with fear and doubt and worry and dread. In order to stop eating to feel good, we have to learn how to start learning how to feel good about ourselves, how to truly motivate ourselves and how to lose weight from the place of liking us, from a place of no longer beating ourselves up. Because if you feel good about … and this is kind of what happened to me. I won’t say that the day I decided to figure it out, that all of a sudden I was like, “Oh my God, Corinne, I love you so much and we’re going to do this.” It wasn’t like that. But I was so aware of when I was beating myself up, and that was really, my first phase, was learning that if I was going to lose weight, I could not afford to sit around and talk to myself like a asshole anymore.

Corinne:

It made sense to me that every time that I was mean to myself, that that was me taking one step closer to go to the fridge. And that that was what had been one of my biggest problems all my life. And so rather than trying to feel really good about my body at 250, I just decided I was worthy of the effort. I knew I-

Kathy Hartman:

It’s so interesting.

Corinne:

Well, yeah, it’s like, I knew I wanted something different for myself. So I was like, I’m not going to beat myself up for weighing 250 and I’m not going to beat myself up for my body. And if I hear it, I’m just going to stop it. But I am going to tell myself why this is worth it.

Corinne:

I would tell myself things like, you’re a good mom. And I had a really hard time believing that I was a good mom, but I knew one thing about my baby, but I didn’t know anything else about Logan, is that I would take care of him. I may not love myself all the time. I may lose my sometimes and get frustrated, but I knew at the end of the day, that I’d go to my grave figuring out how to take care of that child. That was just going to be the kind of person I was. And I just thought like, you’re a good mom and you to be able to feel better. Anything that I could tell myself, I told myself. And from that place, I know that is why I was able to lose my weight.

Kathy Hartman:

That’s an interesting bridge there. You go through life. I was not probably like you. I was never taught how to celebrate myself. It just wasn’t one of those life lessons, go ahead and cheerlead yourself, Kathy, you got an A on that test. Of course you got an A, that’s what you’re supposed to do. I think that’s such an important point here is that as we were raised and as we entered adulthood, we did what we thought we were supposed to do, but we didn’t follow it with, “Look at you. You did a good job today.” We didn’t follow it with that inner talk. That was positive. And I remember asking someone, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this story, but I asked someone a few years ago, if it was vain to do that. I’m always thinking, am I wrong to be like, “Kathy, you’re so good. You’re so great.” Is that vain? Is that bad? And it’s not, it is not bad at all. It’s not a sin. It’s not any of those things unless you’re using it to push somebody else down.

Corinne:

Right.

Kathy Hartman:

So all that self-talk that you’re pushing yourself down with is the stuff that you have the opportunity to start saying, “Now, wait, what did I do right today?” And remember-

Corinne:

I know this is what’s crazy. It’s funny because women say this all the time. Is it wrong if I am going to celebrate myself? But they never say, is it wrong if every day I wake up and say, “Hey, look at you, fat bitch.

Kathy Hartman:

Right.

Corinne:

For some reason. We’re just like, but that’s just the truth.

Kathy Hartman:

It’s such an important distinction though.

Corinne:

It really is, and it’s a good point you bring up because I was actually talking about this earlier this week. I think it was our coaching call on Sunday, about how … I have literally said or written all the words in the last few weeks.

Kathy Hartman:

Yes you have.

Corinne:

But all the members who are coming to relationships camp, which is the end of March. So if you are listening to podcast and you’re like, I’m not a member. I would love to go to a live event with Corinne where she’s on stage and there’s DJs and lights and all the things, you have to be a member. So you need to sign up bitches, get in there. But this one is at the end of March. And one of the things that I’m teaching in there is that when you first … this is what I watched women do. Number one is what Kathy highlighted. When we start cheerleading ourselves, the very first thing our brain does is question, is this okay? And then we have to remember it is okay.

Corinne:

Here’s the next thing that our brain does. Because it’s so uncomfortable, and it’s uncomfortable because it’s just basically running up against the story you’ve our always told about yourself. So even if Kathy didn’t go through her life thinking, “I suck, I suck,” and now she’s going to think, “I’m great,” she may have gone through her life thinking, “The things I do aren’t that important. It’s not really worth celebrating.

Kathy Hartman:

It’s what I’m supposed to do.

Corinne:

I’m just supposed to be a good mom. I’m just, whatever.” And a lot of women that’s what do. To me, that’s some of the worst self-loathing that we do is, I don’t even know if this is the word, unacknowledgement of ourselves. It’s like, a lot of us aren’t sitting around throat punching ourself all day, but we for damn sure aren’t acknowledging ourselves and we can start there.

Corinne:

So the next that happens is because what we’re telling ourselves is new, our brain is like, “Well, that’s fake.” It will throw up, like, “That’s not even true. Let me tell you all the ways you screwed up in the past.” So just know that then it won’t feel true, then what it’ll do is it will falsely assume what it is. So a lot of times, the reason why women stop acknowledging themselves is because when they do, they feel like vain or arrogant or like we’re bragging.

Kathy Hartman:

Bragging. Yep.

Corinne:

And you just have to remember, I’m going to give everybody the only thing that you ever know about this. If you were the kind of person who spent the majority of your life playing small, dimming your light, not acknowledging yourself, I would bet my life on the fact that you will never brag, never be seen as vain or arrogant. You’ve got a long way to go. I tell people all the time, it’s like, here’s what I’d like for you to do. I’d like for you to do it so much that the rest of us need to say, “Reign it in, cowgirl.” Let’s get to that point. But of us are like, if we went hog wild, our tolerance to even acknowledge ourselves is usually so low that our hog wild is some man’s bad day.

Corinne:

I look at my husband all the time. He is just like, “Hell yeah, smart.” I swear, I think when he looks in the mirror, and he can be looking rough as a cob, and he will look in the mirror and I think in his mind, he is like, “Still got it, big boy.” In his mind, he is just like a champ. That’s why I think-

Kathy Hartman:

It’s somebody like that though, that we need to look at instead of going … because this is what I would do. I’ll use you an as an example. You’re a great example of someone who believes in themselves and says, “Yeah, of course I did. I wrote all the words and I did a great job.” There was a time in my life I would look at that and go, “Geez, look at her. She feels good about herself.” All judgy and stuff. And now when I hear you do that, I think myself, “That’s the way I want to talk to me about me.” So when you have those people in your lives, listen to them, and think about how you can adapt that language.

Corinne:

Well, and I think that’s important because for all of you, there will be people that it will rub against them, but it’s not as you are doing it wrong. It’s because on the inside, they can’t tolerate it.

Kathy Hartman:

Yes.

Corinne:

And as a human, what we do is we look around and we judge out of defense. And that’s okay. But I always have this in my mind. I would rather have a large group of women sitting back and judging me and also have a large group of women who are like, “I do want to talk to myself that way.” And maybe some of the judgy women will come on over after they work on their shit, and some of them won’t. But I think a lot of us have to start for our woman kind sake. We have to start showing up differently for the rest of us. Some of us have to always say this, some of us have got to lead the way.

Corinne:

I always tell no BS women, it’s like, once you become a no BS woman, you have signed on the dotted line that you’re ready to lead the way. You’re not here to keep doing like you’ve always doing and thinking like you’ve always thought, you’re here because you not only want to change you, but you are willing to go first for the women who are still sitting around and scared to go.

Kathy Hartman:

Yep.

Corinne:

And we just need more of us doing that. And so when we think about eating to feel good, most of us are eating to feel good because we’re just not doing a great job of allowing ourselves to feel good about ourselves in the small ways all day long. So I came up with two things that everybody has to overcome. You pretty much have got the masterclass so far on it, but there’s two pitfalls that I think that women fall into a lot. And number one, the reason why we eat to feel good is because society has taught us that as women, we’re supposed to be busy. And this is a busy epidemic that is happening around with women. I watch women all the time try to talk about having a pissing match on how much they did today, how much they have to do today, how much they’re going to be doing tomorrow, what all they got done today?

Corinne:

How many people needed them? All kinds of stuff, and we glorify, if you think about it, if I was to walk into a room full of people and they’re all like having a big kumbaya around like, well, I got the car pull and the traffic and I got workload, blah, blah, blah. And they’re doing all that and I walk inside like, “Well, today I took a walk and it was just one of those days where I knew I needed some me time. So I just laid on the couch. I cried a little with my cat. I flipped around, I watched some Chopped on the food network. And then I showed up here only after my bubble bath.” People would look at you like, nice to be you. You would get looked down on if you took a self care day. That is a problem. No wonder we’re eating to feel good all the time. Because if we think we have to be busy 24/7 in order to keep up with everybody else in order to be as good as everyone, yeah, we’re not meant to be busy all the time as humans.

Corinne:

All of you, please hear me. And you’ve got to overcome this desire to be busy to feel good about yourself. It goes back to, are you being busy in order to feel good about yourself? Look at your task list every day. Look at all the things you say you have to do for you, for your kids, for your families, for your job, for everything. What is on there? Because if you do it, you’ll then earn the right to feel good enough. That is some bullshit. Cut that shit out. If you’re only doing it to feel good about yourself, why don’t we just feel good about ourselves because we tell ourselves good things? And then you don’t have to be so fucking busy.

Corinne:

If I’m going to be busy in life, I want to be busy on things that matter. Not things that make Corinne feel good about herself, but things that I know that when Corinne does these things, somebody’s life changes. It has an impact or a purpose. And that doesn’t mean I don’t change a cat box every now and then and I don’t like do dishes, but even when I’m doing dishes, I’m never telling myself I have to. I always tell self, I do the dishes because I like it done a certain way, and it-

Kathy Hartman:

Because I like clean dishes.

Corinne:

I like clean … and I always feel like this is one of the ways I just take care of my boys. I don’t sit there and think they should-

Kathy Hartman:

It’s not like you’re supposed to, but because you have to.

Corinne:

No, I never do that. No.

Kathy Hartman:

It’s your choice to do it.

Corinne:

No. So it’s like-

Kathy Hartman:

It’s your choice, yeah.

Corinne:

I think it’s just important for all of us to, if you want to feel better about yourself, spend your time intentionally, look at the things that you’re doing and divorce the identity of being a busy person. Being a busy person, not make you worthy. It just makes you busy and tired. It makes you exhausted. Now, I know a lot of you can’t just cut a bunch of shit out of your life. So you either are going to cut out the shit you know you can, there are things we don’t have to busy ourselves with. Sometimes we’re busy in ourself with stuff just to feel important.

Corinne:

I remember going through a phase of volunteering a lot at Logan School. And I was literally … I didn’t like it. I hated it. I was very busy, but I was doing a lot of it because I had so much guilt around being a mom. And I thought that if I did mom activities, that would help me feel better about being a mother. All it did was wear my ass out. I still talked to myself like an asshole while my calendar was filled with a bunch of shit to have to do that I signed up for. So if you want to feel good, a out yourself, change the narrative that you speak to yourself with. That is the bottom line.

Corinne:

The other thing is a lot of us are eating to feel good because we’re spending so much time taking care of other people that we neglect ourselves. And the only way we know how to feel good is by eating and eating tends to be an easy thing to do, because you can keep being busy while eating. You can be carpooling with a bag of McDonald’s. You can be cooking dinner while scarfing down Cheetos. You can do laundry while sipping on a milkshake. We have mistaken self care with eating, and this is one of the things we have to remind ourselves.

Corinne:

So the reason why I think a lot of us get trapped into this is because some of us are thinking that if I take care of me, somebody else suffers. It’s just the same thing that happened with Kathy a while back and a lot of women do. It’s like, if Corinne is talking good about herself, somehow that takes away from me. I’m not saying you were doing it exactly, but it’s the concept of, I could easily hear somebody tell me, “When you talk about your accomplishments and when you talk about the things that you’ve done in your life, will I feel bad.” And if I believe-

Kathy Hartman:

Because I haven’t done them. I’m comparing myself.

Corinne:

Right. And if I believe that, I could just be like, oh, other people suffer when I take care of myself. Other people suffer when I talk about my successes. And if I believe that, if I believe other people are suffering, guess what Corinne does? She stops taking care of herself, and she stops talking nice to herself. She stops acknowledging herself. She stops leading the way for other women to see that you can talk differently to yourself. So one of the things we have to debunk is that when you take care of you, other people don’t suffer, and you have to go to work on thinking about that.

Corinne:

Now, I know a lot of you, again, you can’t just tell your six month old, “Well, you no longer get baths because mama needs a bubble bath every single night. So you’re just going to go stink for the rest of your life.” We can’t do those things. But what we can do is we can squeeze in self care moments in the small moments. And this is something that I talk to the no BS women all the time about when it comes to self care. It’s like self care happens in the crevices of life. It’s not about these big orchestrated days off. You don’t need to go off to a cabin in the woods somewhere and be in a sweat lodge or anything like that. But when you’re driving, you can at least remember all the amazing things you did for the day, rather than sitting there and thinking about all the things you need to be doing when you get home, recount your day and force yourself to acknowledge what you did right. Why people’s lives are better for you being in it.

Corinne:

Spend your mental time. If you’re going to do self care, first self care happens in the mind. How are you caring for your mind? Because I know a lot of you have obligations, but just find times to celebrate yourself, use the time that if you catch yourself worrying or fretting or thinking about what you have to do, use it as a trigger to pivot your brain to practice gratitude, thankfulness, to visualize your dreams and your goals. You get the opportunity to interrupt your brain anytime you want to. You just have to decide to actively do it. And a lot of times your brain will automatically be running off to the races with a bunch of worry and stuff. That’s fine. I don’t care if you sat worried for 30 minutes, what are you going to do a minute 31?

Corinne:

Are you going to sit there and be like, “Ugh, I’ll never get at it. I guess I’m a chronic worrier for the rest of my life.” Or in minute 31, are you going to remind yourself, “What is one thing I’m in control over?” Start teaching your brain that when it worries, we also think about what we can control and that just takes time. So it’s just really important when we think about how do we stop eating to feel good, the very first thing that we have to do is examine, how are we thinking to feel good? How are we thinking not to feel good, and what can we change there? Anything you want to add, Ms. Hartman?

Kathy Hartman:

Yeah.

Corinne:

Get it.

Kathy Hartman:

I have something to add. My inner voice, the one that I hear in my self talk head sounds a lot like me. It’s low key, it’s soothing, it’s a calming little sneaky subtle voice. “You know Kathy, you probably shouldn’t do that. You know Kathy, this is how it gets started. Maybe you should be careful.” It’s not a screaming Mimi voice.

Corinne:

It’s not me?

Kathy Hartman:

“Oh my God, look at you.” It’s not-

Corinne:

Don’t you wish it was my voice and you’d be like, “I’ll never miss it again.”

Kathy Hartman:

Well, that’s the point. So make sure you’re listening to yourself and you’re catching the sneaky little things, the little subtle things. You do this for me all the time. We’ll be in a meeting and Corinne will say, “Hold on, did you hear what you just said?” I’m like, “No, it was fine.” She goes, “Oh no, you use this word, and this word is not a good word for you to use.” And I’m like, “It’s not?” So you have to really listen because if your voice isn’t a screamer calling you a loser and a fat ass or whatever it was you said earlier, if it’s more like a, “You know, you’d better be careful because this is the downhill drag you’re on the way out.” If it’s that sneaky little subtle, little calm, dulcet tone voice, it’s just as probably even more difficult to find and change.

Corinne:

I have a word for it. Two words actually. In the relationships camp weekend, I call it passive suffering.

Kathy Hartman:

Yes. I’m very good at that, Corinne.

Corinne:

Yes. And so many of us are good at it. Even I’m good at passive suffering. I catch myself all the time. Just I’ll be laying in bed, waiting on Chris to wrap up for the day and like anybody, the news or something will be on and my mind’s just wondering, even my brain as loud as I am, it’s not just like, “Corinne, baa.” It’s not preaching all the time. I have a lot of passive suffering. I’ll say things like, “Well, you’re probably not in the mood tonight. One more time you’re going to let Chris down.” Just be like something out of the blue, and I’m like, why am I even … we haven’t even talked about sex today. And yet my brain is acting as if we had planned a night of extravaganza.

Kathy Hartman:

Of all the things.

Corinne:

Yeah. And it’s like, all we said was at five o’clock, we’re going to watch NCIS. But in my mind, that is the thing. It’s like, we do all this passive suffering and passive suffering flies under the radar. It’s like, it’s not acknowledging us. It’s just like the little things of like, “Well, you didn’t get that done. One more day, you didn’t finish things.”

Kathy Hartman:

Mine is, “See, you’ll never get this.”

Corinne:

Mine a lot of times is also … and I think a lot of people have this. It’s like, “It’s just so hard for you. Things are just so hard.” I say that all the time like, “I just got a hard day.” And I just say it like it’s the truth. And I think it’s a very hard concept for a lot of people, but what I’ve realized is that when I’m thinking it’s a hard day, most of the time I just tell myself, it’s like, it’s not that it’s a hard day. It’s that your brain is just dreading some of the things. It may be nervous about some of the things, but we’re going to just get in there and we’ll figure it out as we go.

Corinne:

And most of the time I realized the day was not hard. The day was just full of things that are going to either challenge me. I’m going to have to think differently. I’m going to have to show up differently. And it’s not that it’s actually hard. It’s just, I’m just nervous. I’m just worried. I’m just a little scared, but I always try to remind myself when I hear that little subtle thought. It’s like, you just have things going on today that don’t feel that great, and that’s okay. That, for me, even just acknowledging when I’m having those kinds of thoughts gives me a little sense of peace and a little sense of like, okay, this is manageable. I think that is the biggest thing for me when it comes to that passive suffering.

Corinne:

It’s like being alert to it, because then at the end of the day, if I didn’t go through the day full of energy of it’s just a hard day. It’s so long, you’re so busy. You got to get this thing done. If I’m doing all of that, then I’m depleted at the end of the day. And I’m not depleted because I was busy and I’m not depleted because of the activities. I’m depleted because all day long, I basically had a riding crop and was whooping my all day. “It’s hard. It’s busy. You got to do better.” What I’ve noticed is when I acknowledge that and I just say like, “Hey, there’s just lots of things today that you got going on that take some brain energy, that take these things.” When I’m in acknowledgement when I end the day, I’m tired in a different way. I’m tired from giving it my all, I’m not tired from getting beat down all day long.

Corinne:

And when we talk about how do you stop eating to feel good, you can do the same things every day. And the way you think through your day will be the deciding factor of if you’re going to need to go to the chips or if you’re going to be like, “I did a good job today. I did the things I said I would. The things I couldn’t get to, that’s all right, and we’re going to go after it again tomorrow. And I’m going to end my day on the couch because it’s well deserved.” That’s different than somebody who is just like, “I’m so undeserving.” And then they talk to themselves that way. And when you’re undeserving, then you go and you get chips to feel better about yourself.

Corinne:

All right, everybody. You all, I hope you enjoyed this podcast. If you didn’t, please don’t leave us a review or any stars. Feel free to pass that section. But if you do like this podcast, here’s what I suggest you do. You leave us a review, you tell us what you love, you give us five stars and screenshot the podcast. Share it on social media and tag me, tag Kathy. We love seeing when you guys are sharing our episodes and telling us what you learned. That is the highlight of our days, so make sure you share us.

Kathy Hartman:

I do love it. When I get a tag like that, a random tag like that, I always go in and comment and say, thank you and all the things. It’s fun.

Corinne:

Oh yeah, we do love it. You all have a good week. We’ll talk to you soon. Thank you so much for listening today. Make sure you head on over to nobsfreecourse.com, and sign up for my free weight loss training on what you need to know to start losing your weight right now. You’ll also find lot of notes and resources from our past podcast, help you lose your weight without all the bullshit dieting does. I’ll see you next week.

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I'm Corinne Crabtree

Corinne Crabtree, top-rated podcaster, has helped millions of women lose weight by blending common-sense methods with behavior-based psychology.

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