Hello everybody. So welcome back today. I want to talk about something that I was actually, if you don’t know, there is a new app called clubhouse and clubhouse is an audio only app I’m on there. So it’s for iPhone users only right now. It’s by invitation only, but lots and lots of people are joining clubhouse. So if you ever, if you get on clubhouse and you want to see what it’s all about, I’m not going to, this is not going to be a podcast on a tutorial about it, but it’s where you can go in and you can hear speakers like me and different people having audio only discussions, um, around topics. And so I’ve been doing one clubhouse a week for my, you know, anybody. That’s a no BS woman who wants to join over there or anybody who takes my free program. Um, if you follow me, you can for sure drop in on those.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
The thing about clubhouse is we don’t record them. It’s the, none of the, none of the things that happen on clubhouse. It’s like w what happens in clubhouse stays in clubhouse it’s non-recorded stuff. So everything is always fresh. So you either catch someone on stage what they call being on stages, where the person is allowed to talk, and everybody else is not got their microphones on. So if you ever catch someone on stage, you’d be paying attention. You need to be listening because, um, they’re not recorded, uh, once it’s over, it’s done, but you can always find me over there. I think, uh, my clubhouse is at Corrine Crabtree, C O R I N N E Crabtree, C R a B T R E E. So if you join it, please feel free to follow me. And, um, if you want to hear me talk about weight loss, once a week, I’m doing it at 7:30 AM, central time on Fridays.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
And, uh, my other coaches are there with me. And so we all kind of just answer some questions. We’re not really teaching, but we just have people come up and they can just ask answers, ask some questions for an hour, and then we get out. So it’s kind of fun. It’s a new app. And the reason why I’m bringing it up is because the other day I was actually in a room, um, for, uh, it was a business room. So I like to go in there, like, you know, in Corrine’s spare time and all of her off time, you know, I love meeting and talking to other people who are building businesses in an entrepreneurial spirit with the mindset of changing the world. And I have loved that app because it has all these things that, where I can sit and meet people and talk to people online, all over the world about things that I normally would not get that opportunity to do.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
So I was in a room the other day, and the topic came up where there was a lot of us who, um, have a business built around wanting to impact other people’s lives. And there were a lot of women on stage. And usually they stages when it comes to businesses are traditionally dominated by men. And in this particular room, I’m there. And there’s, it’s like 50, 50 half of us are women. And half of us are men. And we’re just having this open, honest conversation about, um, how hard it is just to be a woman. And I don’t mean hormones, but how hard it is for us, because women just have a whole set of expectations as to how we should be. And I wanted to have this conversation with you guys, because when I had come off Mike, to talk about my experience with feeling guilty, no matter what I did, um, that we got so many Instagram messages of women who said, when you talked about the guilt, and when you talked about what you’ve been working on and how you are overcoming that part, I really needed to hear that.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I didn’t realize, I think I do realize how prevalent it is, but I also didn’t realize how many people don’t know how to get rid of feeling like you’re just not a good enough mother. So this episode is for all my moms out there who are trying to do life and trying to do it in a way where they don’t beat themselves up all the time, no matter what they do. What I realized for me personally, is that, you know, and I don’t even know where I want to. I’m going to let Kathy kind of guide me on this because I just have a lot of thoughts about it. And we did not structure this particular podcast because it was something that people asked for through those Instagram messages. But for me, I realized at some point that I was really putting myself in a no win situation when I was helping my members and building my business and given my everything over there.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Although I enjoy that pace, I would beat myself up for not being a mother. Who’s engaged, not being interested in what’s going on with Logan, for like, I would just sit and just like tear myself down as a mother. I mean, I believe I’m a great businesswoman. I believe that, um, that I have talent and skill there. I think it is my destiny to change people’s lives. No problem feeling really good about that part, but when I’m doing it, I also have a part of me that tears me apart about the mother that I am, because society puts so much pressure on all of us as women that we’re supposed to not go out and slay and kill and do these things. But we’re also supposed to take care of the family. We’re also supposed to be the, like, we have our woman’s work. I mean, we are, we are in 2021, and it is still commonplace for women to be the breadwinner or work so hard all day long.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
And then at night start second shift because we’re the woman we’re supposed to take care of the kids. We’re supposed to do all this other stuff. And I’m not, not, I’m not even married to an who has crazy assets dictations. It’s just the messaging plays in our head and we just hold ourselves to standards at her. Absolutely insane. And it’s no wonder that so many of us are drinking and eating every night at eight o’clock because no matter what we do, it’s never good enough. We’re never going to be able to meet the bar. We have so many expectations put on us by society and ourselves that we’re just, we’re never going to feel good. And so I was talking to this group about how the better half of building this business, I have loved every minute of working on it. I’ve loved every minute of being someone that’s going to help other women change their lives while also serving the master of not being a good enough mother.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Then on the adverse, whenever I would take time off whenever I would want to spend time with that child, when I would want to do stuff would sit there. And all I could think about is what I should be doing. The work that I’m not getting done. And it would be miserable during that process. I would feel so guilty when I knew my husband was working. My team was working when all these other things were going on, it’s just talking about it on this stage. And just seeing like, I don’t know what has to change, but something has to, because woman after woman was coming home at stage talking about how hard it is
Speaker 2 (08:18):
Speaker 1 (08:18):
Like themselves, how hard it is to ever feel a moment’s peace. But you did a good job today that you did what you needed to do today. Even if you didn’t get everything done, we just spend so much of our time feeling like nothing is ever good enough feeling like we have more to do. If we could just get the next thing done, then we could feel good. So I was talking about it in one of the things that I was sharing was that the last two years I’ve had. And I tell you guys this all the time, I have my own private life coach. I have someone that looks out from my brain. I can look out for all of yours when it comes to weight loss, when it comes to the podcast, all my members I spend, y’all all know. I spend an incredible amount of time with you guys.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
I mean, I have never, I’ve never been in another membership where the person who’s the face pops into the Facebook group on the regular, who is live with you at least once, if not four or five times a week. Like, and I love it, but I’ve just, I’ve had to, like, I’ve had to have somebody else help me unravel stuff like this. So when I hired my coach, you know, I didn’t know what I was going to work on. And I spent a year literally having to like to figure out how to feel like a good enough mother. And I know a lot of you think I’m an amazing mom and I’m definitely still working on all of it. I have spent my child’s whole life caring for him, advocating for him, worrying for him, structuring my life in such a way that I know that I change his legacy, but I also spent equal amount of time feeling like a complete failure, hating myself for not being more like, like just not, I guess, being as interested in everything that comes out of his mouth, I have spent time comparing myself to all the moms who seem to just think that every fart, their kid does smells like a Rose.
Speaker 1 (11:00):
Is that what I’ve been working on in coaching is how do you sit and like with your child and feel like no matter what you’re doing, including all the garbage you think about how you should be better or what you shouldn’t be doing or how you wish like you, like, I can’t help. There’s just times like when Logan was to talk about certain things and I’m so not interested in my brain first goes to, I wish he would talk about something else. I wish we had worst of in common.
Speaker 3 (11:36):
So I’m taking a lot of notes here, cause you’re saying a lot of things and I look coach Kathy engaged, and I know you don’t, you have a coach. So basically what I’m going to do is coach in terms of, um, my own experience and in terms of probably a lot of the emotions and a lot of the, um,
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Listeners identifying with what you’re saying. Okay. Because, um, I was going to ask you first to give an example, and you’ve done that. You’ve given us a few examples of times when you are, you know, physically with Logan, but your brain is somewhere else or you’ve given us, you know, how you’ve advocated for him. And you’ve worried for him and all that kind of stuff. I think a lot of us, you know, even, even if we don’t have children, we can apply this to our partners or our friends where we, you know, we’re actually physically with them, but emotionally we’re in a place that’s easier for us. And I think that’s what it boils down to. It’s so easy for Kerryn to be that, um, that leader, that coach, that businesswoman, you know, I’m going to, I’m going to nurture the business that I’ve created, the members that I love, the public that I want to reach. It’s easy. It feels good.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Maybe it’s not so easy
Speaker 3 (13:07):
To, to go one-on-one and come back to your own emotions about me not being good enough as a mom.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Oh yeah. I mean, I have, for sure. That’s a big piece of it. I think for me, it’s what I had to like transcend and my coaching was being okay that my brain was going to be very disappointed in me often. Like, like my brain just does that. I mean, it’s, I think that’s what, what I was talking about on this panel was it as women, our default is to be disappointed in ourselves. You know, the society just wants us to be everything you decide. He wants us to be beautiful and sexy. And uh, you know, now, uh, holding down an amazing job, you know, breaking glass seedlings. And we also want you at home with pearls, high heels, standing in the kitchen, making a souffle, you know, it’s like society wants us doing all of it. And for me, what I had to really work on was I had to let go of being so disappointed in myself that I didn’t have better thinking around my child and around things.
Speaker 1 (14:30):
Like I remember my coach saying the most helpful thought that she told me was in the moments when, like I remember clearly this was two years ago, we just moved into this house. It’s the first I dreamed of having a pool all my life. Like I’m a July 12th, baby. Y’all at my, my mother, you know, always worked at cause that’s where she could get a job. And one of the benefits was is that when it was my birthday, they would let her have my birthday party at the pool at the hotel pool. And so I’ve just been a water baby all my life. And so when we moved into this house, that first summer I was out there every day. I was like between these hours, Chris is going to be by the pool late, no matter what. And I remember Logan would come out in that particular summer.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
I just hired my coach. And every time he would come out there, my first thought was, I don’t want to talk to you right now. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t, I’m not interested in this. I just want to lay here by myself. Like I didn’t want to be with him. And it would be the first time in the day that he would even be around me in my, uh, you know, like all I wanted was that. So I would get on call after call with my coach, cried my eyes out, sitting there saying like, and I’ll let him talk. And all I’m doing is sitting there. You know, just like thinking, I wish he would just, you know, whatever. I want to just listen to this podcast. Or I wanna like, you know, I want to work on this thing. So I, as I was at the pool, what I do is I put my notebooks out.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I just sit in the water, get my son on and take my notes and do my writing. She said, what if that is mothering? You keep thinking. It’s not. She’s like, what if you sat there every single time? And instead of telling yourself what a terrible person you are, what if each time you told yourself this is mothering, mothering is listening when you don’t want to. Yeah. Mothering is not enjoying every word that comes out of your child’s mouth and stuff. And I mean, Pathi, it is like, like I, I still remember I was sitting in my office and we were talking about this. It is like Chris walked in and flipped the light on. That was how I was like, what? I mean, it was, it stopped me dead in my tracks. And sometimes when you’re getting coached, somebody will just say something little, like, like sometimes I’ll say something little to our girls and they’ll just, they’ll just talk about, like, you just don’t even know that one thing that changed it all, and that doesn’t happen very often. Most of the time we have to like adjust to things and practicings, but I mean, in that moment, it’s like all of a sudden I realized I was wrong about mothering, that I just had my beliefs about mothering that it, it unlocked just a little bit about what I was like thinking to get an ounce of relief.
Speaker 3 (17:39):
So the beautiful thing about this is that you developed a definition of mothering based on the universe, social media television, your own mom, you know, this is what we all do. Right. We develop a, you know, a definition of weight loss based on the commercials we see, you know, all the things it’s up to us to redefine, to make it fit our lives. So it’s, it’s so interesting that you use you, that, that your coach said that to you because that’s exactly what I wrote down. Redefining mothering, you defined it earlier in the call as advocating for him and worrying about him. You didn’t use the words, teaching him, praising him, loving him, which you also do on the regular. Yeah. So if you were to redefine mothering and include a broader definition with more act, more loving, active terms, if you were to take that and then add it to what, what your coach was also saying about a little self-acceptance normalcy, humanity, being a human being, then those two steps, the redefinition and the self-acceptance can actually begin to turn your mind on this.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
Yeah, I think too, like for me, I have also spent a lot of time in the last couple of years, really examining everything that I believe about. Um, my role as a woman, my role as a mother, my role as a business person, um, what I’m capable of, what I, the things I choose to do and the things I choose not to do, I have been really thinking about like, why do I even believe this? You know, where is this all coming from? And I think that’s really powerful when we’re talking about, um, redefining things, because you know, some stuff it’s like, literally it was like, well, I mean, I don’t know. I just always assumed that, like, I’ll give you a good example for the last couple of weeks. Um, aunt JJ, who cooks our food and comes over and does our laundry and stuff.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
She’s my sister-in-law. And it y’all heard me talk about this a million times. And I think this is important for women to do. You know, when, when I really knew that I was going to double down on, um, you know, having Sunday calls with my membership and, uh, like, especially my Sunday calls, I wanted to be able to do a live coaching almost every Sunday, um, with my membership. But that was also the day that I food prepped. It was the day that like I did like laundry and stuff like that. And I knew something had to give if I was going to start, you know, doing this. So I looked around to find, was there somebody in my life that could help me? That was a big, huge thing. Because for me, I just thought that as the woman and the mom it’s my job, my job is to do the laundry.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
My job is to cook and do all the things. And I started thinking about why is this my job? And it’s literally, I couldn’t come up with any reason other than, well, I’m the woman. And I thought, Oh my God, it’s like, you know, modern day age, you know, but I just, it just made sense until I started questioning. And I thought, what if I just that’s a no, you know, and I was like, maybe this is if I really want to do this, there’s somebody else who might want to do this. I don’t even want to do it anymore. So that’s how I, you know, struck a deal with my sister-in-law, who didn’t want to have to get a job. She was like, I don’t want to get a job. And I don’t want to do anything where I have to like, like be there at a certain time. And she loves cooking. Like that is her love language. She cooks all the time for all kinds of reasons. She cooks foods for her neighbors just to be able to cook. I mean, she just loves it. So it ended up being a really good fit for us. And I just, I just started questioning everything. And what is,
Speaker 3 (21:54):
You actually are getting that done because you’ve hired it out. I mean, you’re acting like I don’t have to do this anymore. Well, it’s kind of like being in work and delegating, but still being responsible. Oh yeah. That’s all, that’s all it is.
Speaker 1 (22:09):
You may not know. But I think for me, the important part of it was really understanding that the only reason why I kept doing it was because I thought that that was like, to me, it just made it like, well, I’m the woman, but who else would be doing it? You know, it was just like, until I questioned some of that stuff, there was no, like, this could be delegated. There was no creativity on that side. Gotcha. Cause I had just accepted this definition that I never even questioned why I had it. And so I think for me, when it comes to like this whole mom guilt stuff, cause I always see it playing out with our, with our people where I watched them. Like, I’ll be coaching someone and they’ll be talking about their job and how stressed and blah, blah blah is. And then they come home and then they’re like, and now I’ve got to take care of my family and do all this other stuff.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
And what I noticed that’s always missing is they’re never ever saying, Hey yeah, I have this job. And let me tell you about how amazing I am every single day. Let me tell you all the things that I accomplish and blah, blah, like no one’s running that narrative and they’re not talking about how baller focus they are at work. Like I’m just so focused. I, I never think about my family there. Why would I, I mean, I’m at work, you know, in my zone of genius and blah, blah, blah, then they go home and they all say, you know, just how I gotta now I gotta take care of my, I gotta take care of my kids, stuff like that. And then they burn in the evening and then they’re eating because the first opportunity that they have for everything to be quiet, they’re basically looking at their life and thinking about, Ugh, I gotta do all this again.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Tomorrow is so stressful. And I always coach them on, you know, before we change how we do anything, if we’re going to delegate or whatever, can we just at least fix the obvious problem, which is what I ran into for a long time, which is when you’re working, you feel guilty as that you’re not a good enough mother. And you’re very focused on what you need to achieve in order to prove yourself. And nothing you do is good enough. Like there’s no stop for celebration. Like every single time you finish a task, it’s just onto the next thing. If I get this done, then I’ll feel better. There’s all that kind of thing. But there’s no like stopping for a second, going so good at what you do. None of that’s ever happening. And then when you go home, it’s like, here we are in reverse.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
It’s here’s all the things I’ve gotta do without questioning why you do them. There’s sitting there thinking about everything that you’re probably gonna have to do tomorrow. All of the stuff that you don’t like about, like what’s going on now and then feeling guilty because you don’t have enough energy for your kids and stuff. Like we spend so much of our time emotionally depleting ourselves in these ways that we don’t, we’re not even aware of. And that’s what I have learned. And that’s what I was telling my coach the other day, we’re coming up on, Oh God, it’ll be three years this August. And she was just talking about, she basically we had a session and everything was just good. And I was just calm. Tell her all the good stuff. And I just said, you know, I love this session. I was just like, Bev.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
I just want to tell you that I’ve had some ahas lately and I’m watching myself change and I’m watching myself automatically think different. Now it’s taken two years, but I’m getting there. I was like, literally this last week I watched myself thinking new ways that two years ago, I didn’t even know were possible. We were just having to even imagine that I could sit with Logan for 30 minutes. Not want to be there and be grateful that I’m willing to do it versus sitting there for 30 minutes, listening to something I don’t want to be listening to and beating myself up for sucking as a mom. And so we just had this long session and I just wanted to cover this today because number one, I think we owe it ourselves as women to question everything that we’re doing and why so much is.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
We learned by just watching our mothers and grandmothers and aunts and our friend’s moms and how they acted. And as children, we adopted this, like, this is how it’s supposed to be. Cause that’s what we do is kids. We look around at our world. We don’t know how to, reason things, all we know really how to do as children is to look around at what we see and internalize. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Yeah. That’s how children learn. And then we do that as an adult and we never go back and we never questioned what we now believe. And we don’t question if this is even what we want and we don’t even see like all the guilt, all the pressure we put on ourselves, we don’t even question if it’s needed. A lot of us just think that that’s the way it is and it’s miserable. And I think the other thing is, is when it comes to weight loss, I can teach you how to eat. Y’all I give you the four basics. But if you spend every single day feeling guilty, not enough and burning yourself out from the moment you hit the floor until eight o’clock rolls around. No, the couch, Netflix and Oreos when every single time. Yep. For sure. And this is the stuff, this is the mental stuff that we work on inside the membership that has to change or nothing will change ever, ever for any of us.
Speaker 4 (28:20):
Speaker 3 (28:24):
I think you’re right on. I mean, seriously, if we, you know, in order to lose weight, you really have to back the truck up and figure out why you’re eating. And if you’re eating, because you’re beating yourself up from the inside out every single day, over how good a mother you are, how good a wife you are, how good a partner you are, whatever it is, all you’re eating is coming from you seeking relief from the beat downs. You’re giving yourself every single day.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I know, I think we think we’re seeking relief from our life. What most of us never realize is the mass, majority of us are seeking relief from ourselves. Yes. You know, we, I mean, it’s just like may happen in the world. And then we sit there and think we can’t handle it. Right. Like we just do so many little things to ourselves. And I know some of you don’t have complete in the toilet obvious self-defeating thoughts, but this is something that I want all of us to question like on a scale of one to 10, how amazing is my self-talk like, there’s a very big difference between, you know, how good is my self-talk, you know, how would I rate myself talk? But like, thinking about like how amazing is, you know, so many of us, we settle. We’re like, I don’t really beat myself up, but I’m not sitting there being my biggest cheerleader either. I’m just like muddling through.
Speaker 3 (29:54):
Yeah. That was me. My, my thoughts are very sneaky. They’re like, they’re like, uh, you know, sneaky thoughts. But I do know the beat down is coming. When my thoughts get very absolute, like I’ll never get this. If I, if never or always is in my thought and my justification for eating, I know I need to, I need to take a minute and say, hold on. Yeah. But a lot of mine you’re right. A lot of are sneaky, you know, they’re just, they’re just, it’s almost like it’s okay. You messed up. You’ll get it right next time. That doesn’t, that doesn’t always feel good to me. It’s, you know, it’s okay. Booboo, you know, sometimes it’s okay. And sometimes it’s not, it depends on whether or not honestly, I can tell whether or not my stomach hurts when I say it. If my, if I have a little clenched up stomach, when I say it, I better really think about it. Is this, is this really where my emotions need to be tethered to right now. Right.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
I just think it’s an important conversation. It was, um, it was just something that I think a lot of us as women go through, um, we just have, you know, fair. Uh, I don’t think it’s fair, but I don’t like to think of things as fair or unfair. I think it’s just incumbent upon all of us that if we don’t want to keep raising generations of women who feel like they have to do it all to matter, then you know, we’re just going to keep repeating that cycle. We’re going to keep passing it down to our, to our girls. They’re going to, you know, model us. You know, I don’t even with my own son, I don’t want him to see someone who feels like they have to be on all the time in order to have a good life. Yeah. You know, I just think it’s an important conversation for all of us to be talking about.
Speaker 3 (31:46):
Yeah. Totally agree. Totally agree. Thank you. Um, for, for bringing it and for, you know, opening up your, your own coaching a little bit. Cause I think it’s really important for people to hear. Yeah. And I just really important.
Speaker 1 (32:00):
I just keep thinking about that no-win situation and how often in life we’re doing that to ourselves. And if you ever catch yourself, like, you know, if I do it, I’m going to think these things about me, which aren’t going to be good. And if I don’t do it, I’m going to think these things about me, which aren’t good. It’s like, at some point we have to realize, Oh wait, maybe this is why I’m stuck and feeling miserable and eating my face off and stuff because I’ve never questioned anything to give myself a win. You know, you at least got to have one win. Yeah. If both are bad, it’s like, you’re stuck in the middle and you’re in purgatory. So for sure. All right, everybody, we just wanted to have that little quickie today so that you guys could, you know, think about like, are you experiencing mom guilt?
Speaker 1 (32:48):
And it doesn’t have to be mom yelled. It can be daughter guilt. It can be sister guilt. It can be all kinds of stuff. It’s just been questioning it and thinking about it. And if you liked this, so make sure you screenshot it and then share it on your social media tag me, Corinne, Crabtree, and tag, uh, Cathy Hartman. You also can use the hashtag no BS woman. And we’ll find it there too. You never know we’re going to leave you a comment or reshare it on our own social. So you guys have a great week. We will talk to you soon.